Katie-lyns:Me When I Am Real

2010-05-19T16:41:00.005-04:00

I have this condition of the heart lately – an almost constant longing for something more, something else. I want today to be tomorrow. I want to be anywhere but here. I want to travel somewhere new, to book Phil’s and my next vacation even though we just got back from a short one. I want to start a family. I want to own our own home. I want, I want, and I want some more. With the internet as it is, we’re all given a chance to peer into other people’s lives through blogs, facebook, twitter, etc. and I find that it is so easy to imagine most people have a far more fascinating and wonderful life than I do. And even without that, I think it has always been easy to imagine I “need” more than what I already have, and to look ahead to the future with longing without living in the opportunity of today.

“But godliness WITH CONTENTMENT is GREAT GAIN. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.” (1 Timothy 6:6-7)

Contentment. That hits home to me today. I don’t think I could be living farther from that in my heart these days.

When I think about all that I do have, I realize that God has been very generous with me. I feel and know this most deeply when I think about the amazing husband God has blessed me with. When it comes to Phil, I truly could not ask for more in a husband (although sadly, there are plenty of times where I selfishly think he ought to be a whole lot more). When I'm thinking clearly, I know that Phil is absolutely perfect for me and more loving than I have ever known. He is the precious answer to almost a decade of tearful prayers and longing for a godly husband and partner in this life. How shamefully quickly I can move on to ache over my next longing and miss the opportunity to praise God for all I have already been given! And you know what? Even if I were to get to the place where I could honestly say that I could be content with only Phil and nothing else - no other possessions - I would be (perhaps a little crazy and) completely off-base in where I placed the source of my contentment. Even Phil could be taken from me someday. He was never meant to be the one to fulfill me and be my joy’s security.

It is so clear to me today that my contentment is not resting in what it ought to be at this point in my life. The only true contentment will be found in an intimate, alive relationship with Christ. It will be found in gratitude for what I have been given and who I am in Him and the knowledge of my sure hope to someday forever be with the God of the universe who for some reason happens to love me with a greater love than I can comprehend! That is the only unshakable foundation for contentment in this life. Frankly, lately I have spent far too much time sighing over little wants than gazing at the One who makes all those other things I want seem as small in importance as they actually are. Sure they’re all good things, and I very well may be blessed with some of them someday, but what about today? Because of Christ and His great love towards me there is enough in this moment for all the contentment and joy I could imagine. But will I see it and embrace the truth of it with all my heart? Will you? Pray with me that it will be so. I can almost taste the peace and freedom found there.

2010-04-02T15:28:00.009-04:00

It's Good Friday today. I had a lovely morning with Phil, making brunch and reading together the most wondrous story of Jesus' crucifixion for my sins. Though a very familiar story to me, it brought tears to my eyes today. Lately it seems that each new week that goes by I grasp and feel deeper the weight, wonder and freedom of the Gospel message, realizing more and more how it truly is life to those of us who accept it.

The Worldviews course I have been taking this semester is opening my eyes to the incredible logic and reason that supports all I have thus far believed in faith. I have always feared apologetics because of the obnoxious pushiness I have seen in too many people who try to shove it down others' throats; but, as I have studied, my mind and my heart are being filled to overflowing as I am becoming more convinced than ever that Christianity holds the answers of the soul and makes sense of existence in this world. I cannot wait to share what I am discovering! I find it interesting that the internship Phil and I are moving to Hamilton for this summer is focused on evangelism. I am praying for opportunity to share with those who have questions and are seeking.

For right now though, I am sitting here alone, curled up on our comfy couch, with a soft, warm breeze coming in through the windows. Usually Good Fridays are rainy and cold, but not this one! The sun is shining and giving us the best spring has to offer. Buds are on the trees and early flowers have pushed through the earth and turned their heads toward the sun. The sound of Pastor Greg (who lives behind us) playing baseball in his backyard with his two sweet little grandsons is a delight to my ears (and what inspired me to set aside my homework for a few minutes to write). I couldn't help smiling hearing Pastor Greg shout with delight at one of the boys' hits, encouraging him as the little guy ran from base to base shouting back to his dad, "Hey dad! Look at me! Look at me go!" I immediately put down my book and smiled, pondering the way God has designed us to desire the attention and approval of our fathers. I felt like God gave me an earthly portrait of how we are designed to interact with Him, our Heavenly Father. I sure do feel like that little boy inside, wanting to cry out with delight to my Father, longing for His smiling face and encouraging cheer to press on. It is there if I look for it. Yet how many of us grow up and learn to tame those childish squeals and find out the hard way that in life on earth we rarely get those who will smile and cheer us on - but what a shame that we lose that childlikeness with our Heavenly Father who does not change and whose love endures forever!

Watching loving parents with their children is good for my soul. They give me valuable glimpses into a reflection of the way God loves me. I really want to know God as the loving Father He truly is, not just what I've projected onto Him from some negative earthly experiences.

Mark 10: 13-16

"People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them."

2010-01-04T14:23:00.014-05:00

While studying for my Missiology exam last semester I came across this quote by my professor in one of my lecture notes about Christian leadership:

"While there are many important things to be learned about effective leadership, the most important thing comes only by spending significant time at the feet of Jesus, becoming mesmerized by His heartbeat and captured by His love. If the present crisis in leadership is to be solved, if adequate numbers of quality leaders are to step forward, many important efforts will have to be made. But it will be all for naught unless the battle of the heart is won first. Only a heart like that Jesus can bear the pain."

As a person still stumbling out of the rubble of burnout in ministry, I am deeply moved reading this. "The most important thing comes only by spending significant time at the feet of Jesus, becoming mesmerized by His heartbeat and captured by His love ... Only a heart like that of Jesus can bear the pain." As I reflect on my journey of burnout and the great challenges of ministry, I am deeply aware that the most fatal mistake I made was slowly ceasing to spend that time at the feet of Jesus for myself (not just in prayer or preparation to teach or minister to others). I needed to be reminded and refreshed by the reality of His personal love for me, but my hectic schedule just did not allow it. My time was packed so full that eventually my times with God consisted of a cry to Him for help and drifting off to the sleep my body desperately needed. The longer I went without that intimate time with my Savior, the more helpless and impatient I became in reaching out to others, and the more I avoided God because I feared He was as demanding and needy as I felt everyone else in my life was. Eventually I hit bottom and, thankfully, soon after my responsibilities came to an end and I have been ushered into a time of rest when I can come humbly before my loving Lord and allow Him to rebuild what was broken.

This journey of burnout initially made me want to swear off any form of ministry or people-helping for good. Suddenly a desk job staring at a computer screen all day sounded like the best job in the world! There are great joys in Gospel ministry and seeing lives change; but along with it comes the burden and pain of leadership that is very great. There is much sacrifice in it - one does not have to be long in ministry to find this.

My Missiology professor used the imagery of an old Japanese proverb when giving a lecture on leadership: "The nail that sticks up will be hammered down." To presume one can stand up and lead people is often looked upon as arrogance today. It is a much more popular concept to "lead from within". I myself used to hold to this image of leadership and never desired "title" or "position" and didn't necessarily appreciate anyone else holding such a status over me. I have come to see, however, that Scripture's consistent metaphor of God's people being like sheep in need of a shepherd challenges that concept of leadership. Passages like Num. 27:16-18, Matt. 9:35-37, Mark 6:33-35 show that when God's people are without leaders, they are like sheep without a shepherd, each going his own way and lost. Leadership is necessary, and done Scripturally, it is the farthest thing from arrogance - it involves following in Jesus' footsteps - it will mean laying down one's life for others.

I see in my generation an avoidance of humble, sacrificial leadership and responsibility - in many areas, but certainly in spiritual leadership. I definitely see among women in the North American church two extremes when it comes to leadership: either 1) a complete avoidance of taking our call to truly know Jesus and grow in His likeness and teach and exhort younger women to love the Lord and their families, or 2) a wrongful pursuit of the highest levels of leadership regardless of Scripture's instruction on orderly worship. This has left me with a deep ache in my heart. I long to see the women in our churches realizing that if they know Jesus Christ as Lord they have a beautiful calling to leadership - to continue to pursue Him, to dig deep into the Word, to neither be afraid of nor ignore theology as though it is the men's domain (nor think they are lesser if they have not studied theology - we have the Spirit of God within our hearts who instructs us in all truth), and to reach out to teach younger women (no matter what your age - there are always those younger)!

It is always easier to go the other way from leadership, especially if you have been burned by it, as I have been. I have been tempted to run the other way, but through much time off and reflection I have found engraved upon my heart a burden and burning within my heart that I cannot shake - to live out what God calls me to. How much humility I need God to grow in me to be able to step out as the stumbling Christian that I am and say that I will take responsibility in all areas of my life to seek by God's help to live a life worthy of following. How quickly that plants me on my knees asking for God to do it through me, for I know (and have already experienced) the danger of trying to do it in my own strength. It is only through the strength found in His arms that any of us will ever be able to live through the joys and deepest heartaches that are Gospel ministry.

Not that many will ever read this, but this is my humble call to my own heart and to my generation of Christians, whether you consider yourself the "leader-type" or not: May we live at the feet of Jesus, being captured and transformed by His heart for us, and out of that, stand up in this world full of sheep lost and going astray to love and lead them to the Shepherd.

2009-11-02T12:36:00.007-05:00

"In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding."

(Ephesians 1:7-8)

There ought to be exclamation marks all throughout that passage, and tears in my eyes as I read it. But my heart can be so cold sometimes, so dead to the glorious Gospel of life and forgiven sins. I can be so unaffected reading about Christ's shed blood. This is gory stuff, why does it so often strike me so comfortably and leave me unmoved? It should not! I cost Jesus His very life because of my sin, but because I do not have to go kill an animal with my own two hands and feel the blood drip down and truly know that my sin must be atoned for with blood, I can read about Christ's shed blood for me with a light-hearted "Thanks Jesus" instead of a face-to-the-ground-in-awe prayer of gratitude. He gave everything in order to give me life in Him, all that truly matters. Oh, ungrateful heart of mine: remember what you cost Him, revel in what He's freely given you - and love Him!

2009-10-29T20:25:00.006-04:00

The trees are shedding

And the carpet of leaves is a sea of yellow and red

Even this rose inside too will soon fall to petals.

Christmas is approaching,

And with it, this aching in my heart.

I have a new family now -

His tender face is all of home to me;

But I still feel the weight, or lack thereof,

Of the other -

The family torn apart,

That still beats lonely in my heart.

2009-10-05T13:58:00.007-04:00

Oswald Chambers – The Nature of Degeneration

Romans 5:12 – “Just as through one man sin entered the world, and death through sin, and thus death spread to all men, because all men sinned…”

“The Bible does not say that God punished the human race for one man’s sin, but that the nature of sin, namely, my claim to my right to myself, entered into the human race through one man. But it also says another Man [Jesus] took upon Himself the sin of the human race and put it away – an infinitely more profound revelation (see Hebrews 9:26). The nature of sin is not immorality and wrongdoing, but the nature of self-realization which leads us to say, ‘I am my own god.’ This nature may exhibit itself in proper morality or in improper immorality, but it always has a common basis – my claim to my right to myself. When our Lord faced either people with all the forces of evil in them, or people who were living clean-living, moral, and upright, He paid no attention to the moral degradation of one, nor any attention to the moral attainment of the other. He looked at something we do not see, namely, the nature of man (see John 2:25)."

It is so much easier to make salvation about my moral choices of right and wrong rather than solely on Jesus’ righteousness – it is especially difficult for me, being someone who is bent much more toward moral conformity rather than moral rebellion. I am still so likely to try to prove myself, to my own self I suppose (for God does not ask this proving of me). I think I still want to believe there is righteousness in me, that is of me, instead of accepting the truth of what God’s Word says in Isaiah 64:7 that all my “righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away”. What arrogance this reveals in me!

I read recently an incredible book by Timothy Keller called “The Prodigal God” about the parable of the prodigal son. He looked at this parable in a way I have not yet heard before, narrowing in on the older brother rather than the typical emphasis on the younger brother. He exposed the equal or greater spiritual lostness of the older brother who stayed with his father and did everything “right”. In the end of the parable it’s revealed that his heart was as distant from his father’s as his younger brother’s was. His “goodness” as a son was also motivated by self-interest rather than pure love for the father. He, like his brother, was using his father for his inheritance and what he could get out of him just as much as the younger brother. His heart was exposed when in anger he ignored his father’s pleadings to come in to celebrate his brother’s return. He did not want his father to welcome his younger brother home again with such open arms because it meant a loss to him again. I cannot go into all of it in this blog, but I highly recommend the book. It’s short, but can change your life and awaken you to your heart, especially if you are like me - church-bred since birth.

Having been raised in the church and having generally lived a very moral life, my temptation is to put my faith in myself instead of Jesus. My temptation is to not examine the deeper motives of my heart beneath the “righteous acts” that will reveal that my heart too surges with a nature as bent on self-glorification and self-will as any one else’s. I can so quickly get into the mindset that God owes me because I’ve been "so good" for Him. The bottom line is: I say I love Christ with all my heart and that I surrender all to Him, but then I still tend to take back the right to myself soon after when I don’t like what He’s doing or don’t understand how it makes sense. And then, in order to get around the discomfort of that conviction, I subconsciously rest on my moral performance as being the gauge for sin - not self-idolatry.

May God continue to have mercy on me and transform my heart in order that I might throw my all upon faith in Jesus Christ and nothing else, and entrust to Him every aspect of my life, whatever it costs, for no other motive but that I love Him.

2009-10-04T17:14:00.008-04:00

“They did not realize he was the Son of God.”

One of our pastors preached on the gospel this morning. It was a beautiful and powerful message, as any true presentation of the gospel will be. He was talking about how Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane was deserted, how even his three closest friends did not stay awake to pray with him in his darkest moment of need. As a man facing the cross, Jesus prayed out of his humanity’s weakness, anguishing, asking God if there was any other way for redemption to be fulfilled; but if there was not, he affirmed he was surrendered to God’s will, not his. God did not answer Jesus’ prayer that night in the garden. The cross was the only way, and though Scripture tells us that Jesus could have at any moment called twelve legions of angels to rescue him, he did not. Jesus allowed himself to be forsaken by God that I might not be, that you might not be. He watched the very people he created, loved and came to redeem scream out, “Crucify him!” He watched his closest companions and friends run away in fear when he was wrongly accused. He didn’t have to, but yet he went to the cross, to redeem them, to redeem us – so great is His love toward us! 1 John 4:10,19 - "This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. ... We love because he first loved us."

I was struck very deeply this morning about the reality of who I would be likened to in that story. I know all too well in my heart that I too would have fled in a moment, because I see so clearly in my life today how I still flee in those moments. My actions often show that I am still ashamed of the gospel, ashamed of the shame my Lord bore, that I also am unwilling to give all to follow in His footsteps, no matter the cost. I still love my reputation and my freewill more than my Saviour, who I claim I love one moment, but desert the next. That’s why this morning when my pastor said of the Jews that they crucified him because “they did not realize he was the Son of God”, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I too often do not realize that Jesus Christ is the Son of the Most High God. I forget the high cost of what he gave for me, and am so quick to take it lightly because of its familiarity.

In communion this morning God impressed upon my mind a visual image of how to this day I forget Jesus is the Son of God and slap him often in the face as though his sacrifice was little to me. Every time the Spirit whispers, or the Word presses upon me to obey God, and I instead choose my own way, my own desires, my own will, I have effectually slapped my Lord’s face and said, “My way, not yours!” When it doesn't cost me more than I think it should, I stick with Jesus with all the fire and gumption of Peter when he claimed he’d die for Jesus if it came to it; but in the moment of testing, I cower and hide. I am no better than the disciples who ran, Peter who denied, or the Jews who spat on Him.

Paul says in Romans 1:16a – “I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes.” Oh that I might not forget that Jesus Christ is the Son of God who bore the weighty punishment for my sin that I might have a relationship with God - one that is as intimate and lovely as any relationship imaginable. May I not forgot that his shame, his cross, purchased my very life because He loves me! How can I, knowing this, refuse to face the possible shame I might incur in this world if I stand for Him? Because the truth is, that cross did not just cause the Son of God’s death – He also ROSE, conquering sin and the grave once and for all, that now anyone who trusts in Jesus as His Saviour has eternal life. Jesus is the Living One, the Son of God, my Saviour, my Friend. He is with me this moment as real as this computer is to me. This is not just some belief system, some religion or a lifestyle I hold to. The gospel message is truth, it is reality - not mere story, fable or conjecture. Jesus Christ the Son of God is alive and He is my Saviour. My life – words, actions, attitudes, all! – ought to scream of this! I will never be ashamed of the gospel when I strive to remember every moment with the deepest recollection that the good news of what Jesus Christ accomplished on the cross truly is “the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes!”

2009-09-24T15:52:00.003-04:00

This morning while in that state in between wakefulness and sleep, memories - sweet memories - drifted through my head about baking and laughing with my mother and baby sister in years gone by. I have been having such positive memories of my mother the past few months – a friend pointed it out to me – I hadn’t realized until she said something, and now I’ve been sure to give myself fully to them. There were many - though they seem so foggy now, as though they were in a life gone by – and in many ways, they were. Everything is so different now; even I have been re-birthed to new life since many of these memories.

I remember not the circumstances of why, but more the feelings associated with the memories - of laughing so hard in the kitchen, with the wood floor nearby, Rachel standing there to my left, and my mother by my side; all of us deliriously happy for that moment. I remember feeling I was home walking in the back door of our big old house on a snowy winter day, anticipating the hot chocolate I knew my mother had waiting for us after we had just tobogganed the day away. I remember feeling safe and like I loved my family to death at Christmas – waiting at the top of the stairs Christmas morning with my siblings bursting with anticipation as Nana and Papa arrived, knowing that at that very moment the stockings were being stuffed and presents being put under the tree, and any second we would be unleashed upon them. Dad singing “Shut de door, keep out da devil” on his guitar. Easter egg hunts through our house, which usually ended with someone crying because they found less than the others. I remember one particular egg in the small grandfather clock above the couch. So many memories: building forts, swimming at the cottage… The cottage. Oh what a dear place it has in my heart! Unfortunately the mention of it now tends to arouse later memories to mind, not the earlier, happier ones. The kinds of memories my mind has been shadowed with for the past few years, the ones that, until recently, kept those precious good ones from my recollection - the deepest-felt memories. Why is it that pain seems to penetrate far deeper than any happiness ever could? The agony of those tragic moments were like bullets into my heart that exploded at the core, leaving shrapnel, the pangs from which I will always feel when something twists my heart a certain way – like how an amputee still feels an itch on his limb that is no longer there, an itch that can never be scratched, never satiated. I too live with parts of me that were taken, and live with the void.

It seems any reflecting on my past cannot remain only in those early tender moments I now recall; and this is fitting - for time, as with my thoughts, always moves forward. My carefree childhood will forever have led to the dark days of my adolescence, but both have intertwined to shape and lead me to who I am now in my young adulthood. In a strange way, I appreciate the painful memories best, because they go the deepest, and there changed me in ways I would never have if only happiness reigned in my life. It was there in hopelessness I found hope, there that I first grasped I needed a Saviour, and found He’d been pursuing me all my life. It was there that I knew this wasn’t how life should be, and Almighty God leaned down and spoke to me as a loving Father to his tiny child saying, “Behold, I will create new heavens and a new earth. All the earlier troubles, chaos, and pain [will be] things of the past, to be forgotten. Look ahead with joy. Anticipate what I’m creating! I’ll create Jerusalem as sheer joy, create my people as pure delight. I’ll take joy in Jerusalem, take delight in my people; the sound of weeping and of crying will be heard in it no more; no cries of anguish; never again will there be an infant who lives but a day, or old people who don’t enjoy a full lifetime; one hundredth birthdays will be considered normal! In that day, in that new Holy City, coming down out of heaven from God, I myself will live with my people. I will wipe every tear from your eye. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things, which you are seeing now, will have passed away. I am making everything new! I am the Beginning and the End. To those who are thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. They who overcome will inherit all this, and I will be their God they will be my sons and daughters. But for the rest – the feckless and faithless … idolaters and all liars – their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur, the second death.” (Paraphrase mix of Isaiah 65 and Rev.21).

God has redeemed much of the pain this fallen world has caused me, although not all of it yet. He used much of what was bad for my good, leading me to a hope and joy beyond what I was seeking for myself. My pursuits were so limited in scope - happiness for the moment. He has had greater things in store for me than just happiness in this life – and there certainly are some happy pockets in this life! He has promised me, and anyone who loves Him, an age when He will right all that sin has wronged in this world (and it has wronged a lot!) There is a new day coming, an eternity either with Him or away from Him. He has loved me with the only taste of true love I’ve ever beheld. In an ultimate way, I don’t care what more pains I may have to face in this life – I know what it is ahead, and my memories will forever lead me on past the aches of yesterday or today to think of that age when I’ll be face to face and dwell with God himself forever!

2009-08-11T16:30:00.002-04:00

I think the clouds are cracking and some light is getting through this spiritual haze I feel I’ve been living in the past few weeks. As I mentioned in my previous post, I have been confused and searching out afresh who God really is. The mangling of good and evil, justice and wrath, majesty and love of God has left me so confused as to what God’s character and heart toward me really is, and how I can possibly have a relationship with someone so beyond my comprehension.

In my spiritual life thus far I tend to swing on a pendulum as I try to make sense of who God is in my mind. I either focus on His unfailing love and compassion or swing the other way, feeling crushed and condemned under the weight of His perfection, holiness and displeasure of sin. Somewhere in the middle He truly exists, and I think I only get close to grasping something of who He really is perhaps two days out of a year (usually as I’m swinging on by to the other side of the pendulum).

I do not grasp the character of God. Oh, I know a lot about Him intellectually, even theologically, having studied at Bible College and spent time studying the Word; but all that head knowledge does little to help me in seasons like this. It leaves me more confused in many ways. I think all we can ever do is cry out to God that we might truly know Him as He offers Himself to us, asking for eyes to see and hearts that will be receptive to the truth.

Phil reminded this week of this passage in Exodus 34, the first time in the Bible that God describes His own character. This truth cuts through all the confusion in my head, all the voices of how other people describe God, all the intellectualizing and theology that I can’t piece together. This is who God Himself says that He is.

“The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished …” – Exodus 34:6-7a

This doesn't make sense of it all, but it breathes a peace to my heart amidst my incapability to make sense of Him. He's revealed what I need to know of Him, and I can rest in that.

2009-08-06T15:57:00.000-04:00

I guess sometimes in the life of a follower of Jesus you just find yourself back at square one. I am in a season of doubt - not doubt that God exists, but rather doubt that I know or understand Him at all. Lately it feels like the heavens are closed to me, that the Father and Friend I have walked intimately with has decided to remove His voice and felt presence from me for a while. I am sure there is a good purpose in it, but I can’t help feeling alone and helpless. I am floundering. I desire to know and please God more than anything else in the world, at least I think I do; but I’m finding myself in a cycle of failure lately and it has me down because I need and ask for His help, and it at least feels like He’s just leaving me in my mess and weakness.

I have recently finished reading a book about the life story of Brother Yun, a man who came to know and love Jesus in China and was severely persecuted his whole life there. It has shaken my view of God as He allowed Brother Yun to suffer greatly. It’s called into question my limited perception of the Almighty, and left me fearful of Him and asking, “Who are you really anyway?” My heart was both stirred to a greater level of awe and desire to be willing to serve Jesus the way that Brother Yun did faithfully, and yet also my heart has retreated from my Lord, afraid I don’t have the strength He might demand of me. I realized last night as I lay in bed that I feel like I am realizing lately that I’m still just a baby in truly knowing God, and then I read that story that requires the faith to face lions, and I deeply desire to be obedient to death for my Lord if it’s what He asks, but I fear He will throw me into more than I can take and I’ll be torn to shreds and shame His name.

Driving home from dinner at a friend’s house last night I felt the Lord pursuing me as I thought about why it is that I so easily can go to Phil, a mere man, and trust him to love me in my worst, and yet lately I don’t trust God to be so open to me in my brokenness. Phil’s best love is only a tiny reflection of the enormity of God’s, and yet he feels safer somehow lately. I don’t have answers, but all I know is that my perception of God is distorted, and I need to know who He really is. I need to be reminded of His love along with His majesty and sovereignty – and seek Him as to how this all works together. I have been living feeling like I am constantly letting Him down, and it keeps me from going to Him, when He is really the only one who can give me any answers and offer me any true help.

2009-07-05T14:09:00.004-04:00

Phil and I just watched this last night. It is the testimony of Rachel Barkey, a beautiful 37 year old woman, the mother of two children, who is in the midst of dying of cancer. At the time of the recording of this video just a short time ago (March 2009) she had just recently found out that she had anywhere from 6 weeks to a few months left to live. Rachel Barkey just passed away two days ago on July 3, 2009. If you have some time, I strongly encourage you to watch this video or listen to the audio. Click on the link below to watch (not the pic of the video).

Death is Not Dying: A Faith that Saves

2009-07-04T22:34:00.001-04:00

Phil and I had a pretty chill day today. It was a beautiful Saturday and Phil had the day off. We hit up some garage sales looking for some cheap ways to decorate our new little home. I love garage sales, always have. I used to go with my dad almost every Saturday morning and he'd buy me a little something for 5 or 10 cents. I think garage sales are probably the only place you can still buy anything for 1o cents! Phil and I got two great end tables last Saturday for $20 and were very pleased with them! Now I'm looking for something to fill the large wall space above our couch. I want to do something creative, but making the decision to go ahead and stick something up on a wall is not a Seeney strength (*ahem* Christen, I caught your disease). It feels like much too large of a commitment when there are so many options I could have fun with. I fear my walls will barren for quite some time yet!

We checked out the Cambridge farmer's market after the garage sales, and then headed off to watch our friend Eric get married. It was a gorgeous wedding and it was such a blessing to be there. It was the first wedding we have attended since own, so it was a new experience to know exactly what it feels like to be the ones waiting nervously. I definitely don't want to do it again, but it was great to be there to witness the coming together of two dear people. It was lovely. After the ceremony we drove back to Cambridge and went down to the river and tried out L.A. Franks frips fries and took a short walk together.

It's funny, looking back on our day in this way makes it sound so perfect and dreamlike, but in reality we struggled today. Marriage is so faithful to reveal the selfishness of our hearts. Phil and I hurt each other often throughout today by being impatient or uncaring to one another. Today very much reminded me how much I need to be close to Jesus and relying on Him to be able to love my husband. I haven't been taking the quiet time I need the past few days, and boy does it show in my actions. I am a sinner, thank goodness Christ is a great Saviour! Thankfully, I have been given forgiveness, both from God and from Phil. I am blessed.

Here are the rest of the shots from our walk along the Grand River (Full rez on Flickr):

2009-07-01T12:23:00.011-04:00

I just started into the next chapter in “The Enemy Within” and had to stop just a few paragraphs in because there is much to ponder there. It was talking about how the believer’s defense against the deceitfulness of the flesh is to fix in his mind two things: the sinfulness of sin, and the grace of God.

There are sins in my life that if I am honest about I just do not think are that sinful or harmful. I still classify sin and let myself “off the hook” because my sin isn’t as bad as this or that other sin. But I have it wrong. The fact is Scripture says that I am not to compare myself to others, but to Him; and when I do that, I will completely fall short in light of His perfect holiness.

I am realizing that I tend to think I am a very good person, and a fantastic Christian. I hated writing “fantastic Christian” right there, I wanted to change the word to sound less arrogant, but that’s the telling point isn’t it? I wanted to sound less arrogant than I clearly really am. There is this arrogance within me that has been kept tidily hidden, even from my own eyes. It's all because I've been comparing myself to other people who I think sin "worse" than me, not because I'm comparing myself to God in His perfection, as I ought to, in order to see that I am nothing. I didn’t fully realize this arrogance in me until now when I was reading in Romans 2.

Romans 2:1-4 – “You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment? Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness leads you to repentance?”

Romans 2:28-29 – “A man is not a Jew if he is only one outwardly, nor is circumcision merely outward and physical. No, a man is a Jew if he is one inwardly; and circumcision is circumcision of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the written code. Such a man’s praise is not from men, but from God.”

That last line, “Such a man’s praise is not from men, but from God,” hit me like a Mack truck because I realized that, while not completely, I am still living more for the praise of men rather than caring solely for what God thinks of how I am living. I try to keep both happy, and am essentially trying to serve two masters, which I know Scripture says is impossible. I live morally, and beyond that I do pursue God passionately and genuinely in His Word and prayer. My relationship with Jesus is absolutely real, BUT I am still clinging in fear to this felt need for physical, audible approval of people.

Paul says in Galatians 1:10 – “Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.” If his aim was to please men, he would not be a servant of Christ – that pursuit is a disqualifier from Christ’s service, and I know this truth from experience. The care for what people will think of me in every way hinders me from unfettered obedience to Jesus.

I have settled for appearing outwardly clean - being an "upstanding Christian" who gains love and praise from many - because that is all it takes to achieve the approval of man. But there is more I long for, and there are weights and restrictions that come with striving to keep the approval of man. These earthly cares leave me under fear’s thumb. They keep me from what my soul is urging me to do - to forget about my own reputation in the eyes of man – what I fear my family and friends might think of me if I wholly follow after Christ, even to the ends of the earth never to be heard of again if that's what Christ's service asks of me. Or even more difficult than that, to just be here in Canada amongst those I love and with whom it would hurt most to be rejected by, and live a life wholly for God's Kingdom rather than for all my own culture esteems. But I cower under the possibility of the rejection that might be found there - of being scoffed at for being foolish and a "radical" - instead of surrendering all of my life to Christ who is faithful. 2 Timothy 1:7 - “But God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but of power, of love, and of self-discipline.”

Too much of me is still laboring for the praise of “Kaitlyn Cotnoir, a great follower of Jesus!”, instead of giving and exerting all I have to hear Jesus Christ’s name alone praised, honored and lifted high. I have been deceived by my own desires, thinking that it’s really Christ who I want to see glorified, while actually in some ways I’m only satisfied when it’s me that is seen and praised, and Christ who comes in second. I serve as long as I am still decently comfortable and it doesn't cost me overly much, just enough to make me feel good that I "sacrificed" for Jesus, but not enough that I actually partake in the sufferings of Christ. It's repulsive.

Oh, may I be changed! God’s grace is all that I should be heralding in my life, not my own name as though I am anything of consequence - for clearly with all of this that I have exposed today about my heart I cannot claim anything noteworthy in me. I do not deserve the mercy and grace I have been given – now if only I would remember that minute upon minute in order that this arrogance within me might be destroyed! God’s grace is the sweetest in light of the utter sinfulness of my sin.

2009-06-27T12:10:00.001-04:00

It’s a gorgeous day and Phil and I are sitting out our pastor's family deck reading. They live in the house behind us and we’ve been dog-sitting while they went away for a night to Niagara Falls. It’s a lovely day. We made chocolate chip blueberry pancakes this morning and now are finishing off our coffee in the outdoors. We are blessed!

I woke up earlier than Phil this morning, and went out to the living room to spend time with God and read. I read a few more chapters in “The Enemy Within”. It’s very good. This book is all about the flesh, and I’ve already learned from it how cunning the flesh is to distract us from anything of God, although it will allow mere religious ritual. I went to spend time with God, and could do nothing but pray for help to not just read in a way that I have “done my duty”, but to really be spoken to, convicted, and changed by what I was reading. It really is a battle. It has been good though; it’s been a blessed morning!

As I have prayed this morning for strength in the Spirit over the flesh many questions have arisen in my mind about what does it look like to put to death the misdeeds of the body in the Spirit. There is a danger to pride and self-righteousness if it is anything but the Spirit who conquers sin in me, so how does one decipher what is the Spirit’s work and what is my own white-knuckled effort to just make me feel better about myself? Is there more I must do than just asking for the Spirit’s help in these matters? I need to explore this more. Phil bought a copy of J.I. Packer’s book “Keep in Step With the Spirit” that I think I will read next. I need to learn more about the Holy Spirit that dwells within me. I know so little, and therefore am probably lacking so much strength that has been offered to me.

2009-06-24T11:04:00.012-04:00

Phil and I took a gorgeous walk by the river near our house this past piping hot Sunday afternoon. I am absolutely loving taking photos lately ... well, I have loved it for quite a while but now that it's the summer I actually have time to take some again! I long for the day I can buy an SLR and learn how to take really great shots. I am considering taking some photography classes in the not too distant future. We shall see!

God's creation is just phenomenal. Nature has always been a source of calm and peace to my heart. In a strange way, it's like an old friend. There's something about it that seems to make bearable even the most poignant heartaches, and escalates the deepest joys to the point you feel your heart might burst because it is a joy far beyond the confines of this earthly body. It reminds me of the greatness of God and the smallness of me, which is good for my soul, and my perspective on life. It can't help but expose any ounce of pride as unbelievably foolish in the face of a glimpse of the wonder and majesty of God. Oh, that I would take notice of this friend more often, that I would quite literally, as the cliche says, "stop and smell the roses". There is much my soul can learn there.

Psalm 19:1-4

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world."

Psalm 8:3-4

"When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?"

I hope you enjoy the photos! You can see them at full resolution on my Flickr.

2009-06-22T13:20:00.006-04:00

I just read chapter four this morning in “The Enemy Within”, and I think a million light bulbs of realization went off in my head as I read. The chapter was about the war against the flesh. Here are the clips that really captured my attention and bared my heart (I hope I don't get in trouble for posting so much from this book - it's just too good!):

“Every drop of poison is poison; every spark of fire is fire; and the last bit of flesh that remains in the believer is enmity. When God’s grace changes our nature, it doesn’t change the nature of the flesh. It conquers it, weakens it, mortally wounds it, so that we are no longer Captain Ahabs (from Moby Dick) by nature; yet his defiant malice smolders in our flesh…

“An invading army may sometimes be persuaded to put down its guns by being given what it wants: a piece of land or a promise of tribute. Some people think they can quiet the flesh’s rage the same way. So they look for ways to ‘gratify the desires of the flesh’ (Romans 13:14). This is to put our fire with gasoline. Sin won’t quench the flesh, only stoke it.

“Sometimes we think of the flesh as our enemy; but it only hates us because God is in us: ‘The flesh wars against the Spirit in us’ (Galatians 5:17).

“Which is easier: to sit with a bucket of butter-soaked popcorn and watch Tom Cruise on the big screen for two hours, or kneel and pray for five minutes? Tom Cruise wins hands down, because there literally is no competition. What the flesh hates is God, so it resists anything that smacks of God – especially communion with him. The flesh can curl up by your side and watch mindless movies all night long. But let even the barest thought of meditations flutter into your mind, and the flesh goes to Red Alert. Before you get past ‘Our Father,’ your eyes, which were glued to the screen now sag in sleepiness, and your attention, which was so fixed on the plot, now zips around the universe faster than the Starship Enterprise.

“The flesh’s hatred of God explains a lot. Think about worship. In its essence, worship is high communion with God, and so the flesh should cringe at the door of the sanctuary. But what if a person wants to perform the outward forms of worship without approaching God is his heart? He may want to do his duty in worship, like a Pharisee looking for brownie points with God. Or he may like the music at church because it rocks. Or maybe just being in a church building makes him feel secure. Will the flesh lift a finger to excommunicate that kind of worshiper?

“You can feel the hostility of the flesh whenever you approach God – it makes real love for him into work: Digging around the Bible to find a juicy new insight to impress your small group is like sailing around Caribbean, but poring over the Scriptures to find the Lover of your soul is like skiing up Mount Everest. Conjuring up a happy mood with some music you don’t even know the words to is like solving 2 + 2 with a calculater. But savoring the glory of Christ and his tender love until your heart is softened toward him is like using mental math to calculate pi to the thousandth place. And giving a birthday present to your best friend is like forcing down some double-fudge brownies. But giving up your extra bedroom to a homeless person in the name of Jesus is like eating the Rockies for breakfast.

“It takes its battle to every quarter of the soul: When the mind wants to know God, the flesh imposes ignorance, darkness, error, and trivial thoughts. The will can’t move toward God without feeling the weight of stubbornness holding it back. And the affections, longing to long for God, are constantly fighting the infection of sensuality or the disease of indifference.

“But there is in us a Warrior just as committed to the flesh’s destruction. The Spirit wars against the flesh (Galatians 5:17). Filled with the Spirit, empowered by God’s love for us and our love for him, we turn on the flesh with our Captain’s own curse:

“Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering flesh; to the last I grapple with thee; from heaven’s heart I stab at thee; for love’s sake I spit my last breath at thee.”

I feel like new eyes were opened this morning reading about my flesh. I have gained new insight into this confusing battle I rarely realize I am in the midst of. Too often I do not see the tactics of my own flesh – making me tired, distracted, and hostile to the things of God. I have not lived remembering that within me lies enmity towards God that must be warred against and not given into in the slightest. I cannot appease the flesh, it will not be appeased - it will only have me until there is none of God left in me. I am not conscious enough of my own thoughts and actions.

I too often do not stop to consider what happened in times like yesterday when out of nowhere it seemed I became a complete grump and jerk to my husband when he kindly pointed out that I had been complaining an awful lot the last hour. I felt like something overcame me, I was swept up in anger and a foul mood. I felt trapped in it, and within me all I heard was the Spirit’s voice whispering, “Sin, sin, sin!” But I did not know how to be free from its grasp. Thankfully yesterday God was gracious enough to reveal to me what was happening inside of me and I was able to pray and ask for the Spirit’s help to conquer this sin in me and humble myself and ask Phil for forgiveness and our day was not ruined for it; but so often I just excuse moments like that because it’s “just that bad side of me” that comes out once in a while like everyone has and cannot really help it. But today I’m realizing in a deep way how that is a pure cop-out, and a complete lie. Scripture says that, “if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” (2 Corinthians 5:17). 2 Peter 1:3 says:

“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.”

When those moments happen, it’s not just “that bad side of me”. That is sin living in me, that is the flesh that absolutely seethes with hostility towards God; and those are not to be minimized and excused, they are to be put to death. I realized today that I minimize my sin because I claim and rely on Romans 8:1 – “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” But I tend to stop there, when the rest of that chapter goes on to talk about our need and our ability in the Spirit to not merely rest easy in the fact that there is no longer any condemnation against us because we still sin, but to work tirelessly and “put to death the misdeeds of the body”, to see victory!

If I remain ignorant of the war waging within me I am missing out on the life of godliness that I have the potential to live if I will throw myself at God’s feet every day, hour, moment asking for the Spirit’s help to “escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires” that I might experience the abundant and full life offered to me (John 10:10).

I’ll close with this synopsis my husband Phil wrote of chapter one of John Owen’s book “The Mortification of Sin” that I think is incredible and I feel really sums up what I’ve been talking about:

“It is not enough to live in and enjoy our life as free from condemnation - we must also actively mortify our sin. That (the putting to death of our sin) is how we will live, how we will attain the new life that Christ promises to our mortal bodies (Romans 8:11). All of this is through (vs. 11) and by (vs. 13) the Holy Spirit. He gives life, but that life is received as we, by the Holy Spirit, put our sin, our flesh, and our lusts, to death. If anything but the Spirit is doing this, it will lead only to self-righteousness and false religion. Oh! How desperately, how miserably, how deeply I need this Spirit.

"Sin is crafty, subtle, deadly, and evil. Like any living thing, to put it to death is to have its power, life, vigor, and strength taken away by the Spirit.

“The life (‘you will live’) is not only eternal life, but life abundantly (John 10:10), full of joy, comfort, and power, while here on earth. How I long for more of that!”

2009-06-20T13:34:00.003-04:00

I have been so convicted today by the following quotes, and encouraged to realign my life and pursuits with what really matters in this world - the commission of every of follower of Jesus to share the gospel with a dying world. It's too easy to love my comfortable home, to cling to my good reputation and care far too much what people will think of me if I put myself out there to share the only News that brought me true life. This should not be hard! Am I convinced of the gospel at all? Do I love myself more than I do the lost? My life will answer that.

Quotes by C.T. Studd:

“Christ's call is to save the lost, not the stiff-necked; He came not to call scoffers but sinners to repentance; not to build and furnish comfortable chapels, churches, and cathedrals at home in which to rock Christian professors to sleep by means of clever essays, stereotyped prayers, and artistic musical performances, but to capture men from the devil's clutches and the very jaws of Hell. This can be accomplished only by a red-hot, unconventional, unfettered devotion, in the power of the Holy Spirit, to the Lord Jesus Christ.”

“Some wish to live within the sound of a chapel bell; I wish to run rescue missions within a yard of hell.”

Quote by Hudson Taylor:

“God uses men who are weak and feeble enough to lean on him.”

Quote by Robert Speer, leader in the Student Volunteer Movement:

“There is nothing in the world or the Church – except the church’s disobedience – to render the evangelization of the world in this generation an impossibility.”

Quote by William Booth:

“"'Not called!' did you say? 'Not heard the call,' I think you should say. Put your ear down to the Bible, and hear Him bid you go and pull sinners out of the fire of sin. Put your ear down to the burdened, agonized heart of humanity, and listen to its pitiful wail for help. Go stand by the gates of hell, and hear the damned entreat you to go to their father's house and bid their brothers and sisters and servants and masters not to come there. Then look Christ in the face -- whose mercy you have professed to obey -- and tell Him whether you will join heart and soul and body and circumstances in the march to publish His mercy to the world.”

2009-06-17T16:23:00.006-04:00

On and off the past week or so I have been reading the book “The Enemy Within: Straight Talk About the Power and Defeat of Sin” by Kris Lundgaard. It’s a pretty heavy book. The chapter I read today talked about how the heart is deceitful above all things. The description of the term “heart” in Scripture includes my thoughts, plans, judgments, discernment, choices, actions, longings, desire, imagination, feelings, affections, and my sense of right and wrong. All of this that composes my heart Scripture says is unsearchable, complicated, and deceitful above all things. Only God can see the heart and its motives clearly and provide a solution to it Because of the sin nature that still remains in me - and I know it does remain because it rears its ugly head far too often – I cannot trust my heart. This is not a new concept to me, I have known this Scripture (Jer. 17:9-10) for years, but it’s one that I feel today came with more specificity and power for what that truth means in my life. This tells me that I cannot trust myself for I am prone to sin, not righteousness. Yet I much more often trust that I am doing the right thing, I am making good judgment calls, and I am seeing right and wrong crystal clearly, rather than every day, every situation, asking God to “search my heart … see if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Ps. 139).

Here are some clips from this chapter that really hit me:

“The heart is deceitful above all things. Do you doubt it? Think how fickle you are. One day you’re a sage, the next a clown. You can be open and cheery or reserved and gloomy, easy to get along with or a real crank, romantic or frosty. One day Jesus is all the world to you; the next, you love the world more than King Midas did.

“And think of your inconsistencies. Your mind says tithing is right, and your will puts the money in the plate – but all the while you wish God weren’t so demanding. Or you know that secret communion with God is a feast for your soul, and you long for it – but you can’t roll out of bed, or if you do, your mind zooms everywhere in the universe except to heaven…

“Never think for a minute that the war against sin is over in this life. There isn’t even a cease-fire. Many generals have been surprised because they were careless after a victory. Countless believers have been ambushed on the heels of a giant step forwarding faith. David, for example, lived a long life of devotion and duty to God, and saw mercy on mercy from God’s hands; then sin tip-toed up behind him in the dark and stabbed him in the back.

“If you violently war against your flesh, you’ll win ground. It will grow weak, and you’ll grow in grace into the image of Christ. Still, the work has to be endless as long as we’re in this world. If you cut the flesh any slack, you’ll watch it regroup and revive. You may even end up worse off than you were before (Luke 11:24-26).”

Hebrews 12:1-4

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lost heart. In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.”

1 Corinthians 16:13

“Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men [and women] of courage; be strong.”

2009-06-16T14:54:00.008-04:00

Yesterday Phil and I bought the first season of 24 and started watching it. Being at school the past three years we have been so busy we haven’t watched TV shows at all, so we are very behind (and we’re quite alright with that). 24 has an action-packed storyline, my goodness! Beyond that though, it really opened my eyes again to the depth of depravity in our world. I cannot watch TV the way I used to be able to, merely for entertainment. It seems I cannot help but see and grieve over the effects of sin in our world that for some reason seem so poignantly obvious to me when I watch any popular TV show. Watching 24 yesterday reminded me of the reality affecting some people’s lives, if not my own in the same way. The drugs, the meaningless sex, homelessness, prostitution, greed, rape, murder, and hate just astound me with the reality that living for your own selfish pursuits takes you down an ugly road. I could not help but praise God the whole way through for His abundant blessing upon my life.

My heart broke over this one teenage male prostitute who helped the girls in danger. I could not get him out of my mind the rest of the evening. The hardness he had to have to make it on the streets, yet a glimpse of that desire for goodness in helping those girls, really made me think of others like him. It confronts me in my Christianity, in my comfortable home, in my stable life, and asks me what I have to offer someone like that? My heart breaks for people in such a situation – I can only imagine the life story behind getting to that point – the pain and rejection and absence of love. But what is my role toward a boy like him? I want him to have the hope of Jesus and eternal life, but what would Jesus in his life look like?

As much as I do not believe the “prosperity gospel”, I realized thinking about this that I maybe still tend to think that God blesses everyone the way He’s blessed me monetarily and materially when they choose to follow Him. But that’s not true. There are faithful missionaries who starve to death with their children. As Christians we are given peace with God, promised eternity and security in the love in Jesus Christ – we are not made for this lifetime, but beyond it. As followers of Jesus sometimes we too have to literally follow in His footsteps and be put to death for our belief in Him because this world and all of its systems hate Him, BUT that agony and death are with the peaceful hope and knowledge that when we die from this earth we will be with Him in eternity where there will be no more sickness, no more pain, no more tears, and we will be with God!

So what would it look like for this boy to know Jesus in his circumstances? Sure, I’d love to think that somehow things would look up for him on this earth and in this lifetime as well as in eternity because that could definitely happen, but that also may not be the case. He makes his money to survive by prostituting himself out to other men. He sleeps with a knife beside him. If He came to know Jesus in his neighborhood it could honestly cost him his life. If he wanted to quit his prostitution, what would he do to survive? The very middle-class suburban Christian part of me wants to say he could get a job and make a reputable living, but guaranteed he has been burned countless times in his life. He lives having to distrust everyone because no one has proven trustworthy so far in his life but himself. Yes, Jesus can change hearts, I am in no way trying to limit what the power of God can do in an individual’s life, but more challenge my own judgmental thinking that assumes every Christian has to look like me and the other put together people that I go to church with. Maybe a Christian could look like a broken boy having to prostitute himself out to make money while he feels dead and dirty inside and cannot wait to go home to Jesus to be free from the agonies of this life. I'm not sure. This should not be the life of a Christian, no! I wouldn't wish such a life upon even my enemy! But where are us Christians, where are people like me trying to reach out and find a realistic way to give people like that boy another choice, another life? Jesus loves those people on the streets, why don’t I? If I claim to love them, I must do something more than merely saying I do. But will I?

James 2:14-17, 25-26

"What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead...

"In the same way, was not even Rahab the prostitute considered righteous for what she did when she gave lodging to the spies and sent them off in a different direction? As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead."

Matthew 9:11-13

“When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, ‘Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and ‘sinners’?’

"On hearing this, Jesus said, ‘It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners’.”

2009-06-09T19:37:00.003-04:00

This morning Phil and I listened to a sermon by Matt Chandler. It was the second part of a very long series he did on the book of Luke. He spoke on the passage 1:5-38 about Zechariah and Elizabeth being told they would give birth to John in their old age, and also the story of the angel visiting Mary to tell her she would give birth to the Son of God though she was a virgin. He compared the reaction of Zechariah to the news from the angel, demanding more evidence that this would take place, and Mary’s reaction to her message from the angel, humbly asking how God would do this since she was a virgin and saying she is a servant of the Lord and let it be done as he had said. The point of the sermon was to see in Mary a righteous reaction to the sometimes seemingly absurd promises of God. He talked about those times in our life when the beautiful and precious promises in God’s Word seem to be the farthest thing from true, or even impossible, in our lives. He specifically mentioned three passages: Romans 8:28 that all things work out for the good of those who love God; Phil. 1:6 that he who began a good work in you will carry it on until completion; and 1 Cor. 10:13 that no temptation will come to us that we cannot bear or that God has not provided a way out of.

As I was listening I put myself in these people’s shoes and wonder if I would have the faith to believe the impossible is possible with God. I think of Mary, and that line that the angel says to her really strikes me deeply, “Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God.” My heart longs within me at that statement for that to be true of me as well. I long to live my life in such a way that I please God. But then I think that perhaps I am a little bit mistaken in one sense. Scripture says that because of my belief in Jesus I have indeed found favor with God. Mary was living under the Old Covenant, before Jesus, so she found favor through living righteously according to the law, but even then she was not perfect and needed atonement as well. Her righteousness only found her favor with God because of Christ’s coming atonement as well. Still, I wonder what her life looked like that she would be chosen, not that I expect it was an obviously spectacular holiness because God loves to choose the weak things of the world, but I’m sure it had a quiet boldness and light to it. It’s interesting to think about.

2009-06-01T19:34:00.004-04:00

Yesterday for church Phil and I had a beautiful sunny drive through the countryside to Barrie to hear D.A. Carson speak and visit DJ Mudde and some other friends. The message was on Ephesians 3:14-21 and was within a series Carson did that weekend on learning from the prayers in the Bible. I’ve always loved this particular prayer of Paul’s and my eyes and heart were very much enlightened through the message.

He talked about the two petitions in this prayer. Paul first prays for power from God (the power that raised Christ from the dead) to strengthen our inner being. The reason he prayed this is given - that Christ may truly dwell in our hearts through faith, or take up residence in our hearts. He used the analogy of when we buy a fixer-upper house and take up residence and gradually strip and rebuild to make it truly into your home. Carson says this is what Paul was praying – that Christ would take up residence in our hearts in the same way and sanctify us. We are dark, dirty, dingy, small hearts to take up residence in, and it takes a lot of power to change us – the very power that raised Christ from the dead is needed in our sanctification. So he pressed us to question ourselves when the last time we prayed like this for our sanctification was, and for the sanctification of others?

I was blown away and humbled with the realization that I do not pray for my sanctification with the understanding that it is only the great power of God that can change anything in me. I desperately need that power, and to ask for that power to be at work in me, and to ask for it in other people’s lives in my prayers for them. How easy it is to still think that we are generally good people. But when I examine my life, and my prayers for change, how seldom I see real changes of heart happening. My prayers are half-hearted. Often I still think that I am in the right, and therefore whatever habit or attitude I meekly pray to change I really deep down think something or someone else outside of me is what really needs to change, not me. I have found this heart attitude prevalent so far in marriage. Oh how marriage has been very revealing of my sin in even this short time! I thank God for it. This message has given me a greater thirst to see sanctification actively happening in my heart, and to reform my prayers for others in the same way.

The second petition in that prayer is another request for power – power to grasp the limitless dimensions of the love of God. Carson said that this is not a prayer to love God more, but to grasp – experience, know – God’s love, this love that surpasses knowledge. The purpose of this is “that we might be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God”. Carson explained it as that we might be spiritually mature. He used the analogy of an abused child growing up insecure of his father’s love and extreme likelihood then of that child growing up an emotional pigmy. He said it is the same with us spiritually – unless we know/experience and are secure in our Father God’s disciplined love we too will be spiritual pigmies that cannot grow to the fullness of God, to maturity. That really struck me, both because of my family background, and an experience with God I had earlier this week where I really sensed God speaking to my heart that I have hardly begun to grasp the depth of His love for me. I am going to keep seeking my Father out in this in prayer. There is something there I must yet grasp.

There was a bit more to his message, but the final thing that really stood out to me was when Carson spoke on the Doxology in verses 21 and 22. Paul ends his prayer with stressing that God is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine! Carson addressed those of us in the audience who maybe heard the message and then felt like we have prayed and seen nothing, or we just have too far to go we’re so sinful. Can God really work in us? Carson passionately said that we do not ask too much when we pray for this kind of sanctification in ourselves and in others – the book of James says that we have not, because we ask not. This should give us huge incentive to PRAY ON! My heart was so encouraged. Sometimes I feel what is like a fire in my bones of faith to ask God for enormous things in people’s hearts and lives. It is easy to feel it is too much to hope or ask for, but then I read this verse and remember that the one true God that I pray to is able to do immeasurably more than all I ask or that I can even imagine! May my prayers increase in measure of faith.

Finally, he closed with saying that all of our prayers in this regard can still be all about us, but our desire in praying for this sanctification should be to see God glorified in his people and his church both now and forever more. Glory to God! He lastly encouraged us to individually and corporately reform our praying with Scripture. To learn from the prayers in Scripture, and pray for the things that Scripture and the apostles find are central - not excluding in any way, but not only, praying for our specific concerns and needs.

So this morning I started reading the beginning of Ephesians and noticed other things that Paul says he prays for people. I want to write them down that I might remember and learn and grow in my own prayer life.

Ephesians 1:15-19

· Paul gives thanks for them continually ever since he heard about their faith in Jesus and their love for all the saints

· Paul asks that the Father would give them the Spirit of wisdom and revelation so they might know him better

· He prays that the eyes of their hearts might be enlightened in order that they would know the hope to which the Father has called them, the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe (the power that raised Christ from the dead)

2009-05-28T19:19:00.000-04:00

I just tasted a morsel of heaven I think, just sitting here wrapped in a soft blanket sitting in our little living room listening to “All I Can Say” by David Crowder. My heart’s struggle through this past semester felt expressed in the song, and I was flooded with the sense that I yet have only the smallest grasp of how immense Jesus’ love is towards me. My heart was taken to the day I will finally stand before my Risen Savior, my Faithful Friend, my Comforter through every trial and joy in this life. Oh what I shall see on that day in His eyes that I have never yet beheld, but will be strangely familiar – love in its perfection that does not exist on this earth and is therefore an entirely new wonder to finally behold in its fullness! A mingling of fear and bold assurance I feel this morning as I look forward to that unknown day. “Perfect love casts out fear.”

2009-05-26T19:16:00.004-04:00

Well, I am a married woman! This is the first morning after Phil’s and my honeymoon – our first in our apartment living together. We just opened some presents from the significant pile on our living room floor, reminding me in another way just how abundantly blessed we are. When we came in last night there was a stack of food items and a note from three of my dear girlfriends saying they cleaned the apartment for us while we were gone. I had been dreading getting home to the mess I had left the apartment in during the chaos of the days leading up to the wedding. I have the best friends in the world! May I never let that fact do anything by deeply move my heart in gratitude to God for the provision of wonderful godly companionship. I just read this morning a passage that has struck me deeply the past year - Deuteronomy 8. It sobers me, warning me not to forget God when times are good and provision is bountiful. The past few years since coming to Heritage I have been blown away with the blessing God is pouring out upon me. For so long it seemed my life would be constant pain, trial and loneliness, but now, while not without aspects of those things, I am being showered with blessing. And now in this new season I am finding it is a test in itself. There is a very pertinent reason Deuteronomy 8 was written. I am finding my heart is in every way bent to forget the Provider and Giver of these blessings I am now experiencing. It is all too natural for me to think it is I who have earned all that I have today. But thank goodness for God’s Word that puts me straight.

Deuteronomy 8:10-18 – “When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you. Be careful that you do not forget the Lord your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day. Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all that you have is multiplied, then your heart will become proud and you will forget the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. He led you through the vast and dreadful desert, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions. He brought you water out of hard rock. He gave you manna to eat in the desert, something your fathers had never known, to humble and to test you so that in the end it might go well with you. You may say to yourself, ‘My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.’ But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today.”

I am so humbled by that passage. I see my life in it. When I read that I know so profoundly and specifically in my heart what that desert was for me, and here it tells me its purpose “to humble and test me that it might go well with me”. And gone well with me, it has. I know what it means for God to have brought water out of hard rock. His provision in my life thus far can be considered nothing less than that. I should have been on the streets! This passage moves my inner being in the deepest way. Now it is going well with me, and my temptation is to forget where the Lord has led me out of – both out of the slavery to sin, and also out of very trying circumstances – and to not acknowledge that it is He who is still providing for me in my abundance today. Oh that I might praise Him with the most thankful heart for all my life! Today I very clearly know and feel how totally undeserving I am of everything good I have been given in my life. I am very rich – materially for sure, but most importantly, relationally. On a human level, I am now married to the sweetest, most respectable and incredible man I have ever met who loves me in a way I could not have dared to dream! That alone is enough to draw me to my knees in worship. And yet God added more to my lot – family, our loving and generous church community, and numerous of the most precious kind of friends. I have been given much. My prayer is that I will be faithful with such gifts.

Over the course of our honeymoon Phil and I realized all the more how we miss the closeness we each used to have with Jesus. We read some of Phil’s old journals he wrote during the beginning of our relationship and it was incredible to see the passion and earnestness that once was there so vividly. For both of us it has been gradually bleeding out through the mayhem of our busy lives, ironically enough, particularly through ministry. I cannot help but think that something is awfully misplaced if while seeking to serve Jesus and reveal Him to others you can lose friendship with Him yourself.

This past week I spent some glorious time early one morning alone on the deck of the cottage we had in the mountains (see pic below) reflecting on this difficult school year that I am quite thankful is now behind us. Being an RA this year has both fanned into flame a fire for people’s souls and at the same time has left me feeling scorched and wounded from its heat.

2009-05-16T19:22:00.001-04:00

Our Wedding Day!

Phil and I are married!

2009-03-30T19:12:00.002-04:00

I am sick today. This is what I dreaded most, what is least welcome at this time in my life, but it makes perfect sense. I have been so stressed, worn thin, and tired. I have felt panicked with stress often during the past few weeks, it makes sense my body would eventually take a hit.

In the busyness and stress of life and people and problems and ministry and school I have come to a complete end of myself. I have poured myself out and have nothing left. And in that nothingness I feared going to Jesus because everywhere I turn in my life it feels like people are taking from me and I cannot bear to give another effort. I have projected onto Jesus the neediness of this world, and have forgotten that He needs and demands nothing from me but to come. It is I who desperately need Him. If I am ever to be filled up again it will be because of his doing.

I have been struggling as a Christian lately. I dearly love my Lord and long to be used for His glory, the passion for the ministry I am in is still pulsating strong within my breast, but it is my body and mind that have slowed and are unable to keep going at this pace. I need rest, but I want to be strong to keep going, to keep pouring myself out for Jesus. I think my thinking is backwards though because I’ve realized that I have lost my intimacy with Him in the process of attempting to show Him to others. How can my ministry have power if I lose my sense of the One whose love I claim? This morning Phil and I had some quiet time together and then we were talking and I realized that I have been putting Jesus Christ, the Glorious Risen and Living One, in a box. I have put Him in my schedule, expected Him to move on Monday nights in Impact Group, but what about Tuesday morning in the class that I struggle to get through? Where is His power displayed in my life then? Jesus is wild and untamable, glorious, powerful, all loving, passionate, alive and present! Yet my prayers to Him all sound the same, I still struggle to fight sin alone, and I am not seeing the renewing in my own heart and the heart of my dear sisters that I long for. I am far too often my own hope for change, and God knows I can do nothing without Christ.

Is my Christianity Christ-less? That is what Phil and I discussed this morning. How do we know? We looked through various passages in Jeremiah and Hosea and I have been so struck with the language God uses to convey the emotions we put Him through in our forgetting of Him. Jeremiah 3:1b – “’But you have lived as a prostitute with many lovers – would you now return to me?’ declares the Lord.” I think of the taste of rejection and heartbreak I have felt, and it is nothing in comparison with the agony I put my Lord through.

In church yesterday I was reminded that in knowing Jesus we are called into the most intimate relationship possible for humanity. If any of us search our soul or our actions we see that we are all grasping, gasping after intimacy with another who can just know us and love us. I have been offered that, I have that already in Christ, but how quickly I yet turn to find that in the arms or words of another. Oh God, make me faithful. Let me remember all I long for is only in You!

Matthew 18 talks about the hundred sheep and the one that wanders away and how the shepherd leaves the ninety-nine and goes after the one, and when the one that wandered away is found the Shepherd’s joy is greater to find that one than for the ninety-nine that never left. I love God’s Word. I do not fully understand it, but lately I feel I have been the wandering one, so it is a delight to my heart to think that my Shepherd can still delight to find me when I have wandered. I always expect to find scorn on His face, and only find grace and tenderness.

I still feel very battle-weary, but I am loved, and that is enough tonight. We are having a worship and testimony night here are school today and I cannot wait to bring my tired body there and make a joyful noise to my Saviour.

2009-02-04T16:03:00.000-05:00

The Best News!

Praise God!!! I do NOT have Huntington's Disease. This feels so unreal, I was so expecting and ready for the other result!

Phil and I can have babies of our own someday!!

2009-02-03T18:54:00.004-05:00

A Big Day Tomorrow - Huntington's Results

Tomorrow at 3 in the afternoon Phil and I go to receive the results from the Huntington’s genetic test. Tomorrow I will be given a glimpse into the future that very well may be riddled with mental and physical trial - both for me and for the man I am soon to marry. And I am sitting in my room watching the snow fall outside, and the only thing that feels off is how odd it seems that I would feel such peace as I do!

I am very tired today. I was up late the last two nights, but it was with fantastic girls here in dorm having good conversations, so it was well worth the exhaustion now. Last night my impact group was so encouraging. My heart is so full of praise to God to see how faithful He has been to answer my heart-felt prayers for my girls. I saw unity and vulnerability amongst them last night. Oh may God continue to meet with us broken sinners and sisters and make us more like Him! I know that He will, so my heart rejoices today. It is such a blessing to see the fruit of what God has sown through me. Last semester was so hard, having to speak things that were hard to say to them and feeling like there was no response. Since coming back from Christmas I have been nothing short of amazed and awed as God has clearly watered and developed the truth of His Word in these girls hearts and I am so privileged to watch them bloom.

Phil and I went to look at a potential apartment for us for the first time this afternoon. It was a really beautiful little place that I think I would very much enjoy calling home, but we shall see. It was really neat to shop for a place with Phil. I cannot wait to be married to him, and to be able to curl up with him in our own place in peace and quiet. I cannot wait to have a home!

2008-04-16T14:06:00.000-04:00

The sun is splitting the clouds in layers
and the sky is breaking like golden waves of sea.
The breeze whips itself around me
with a spring chill causing me to hug my knees.
You're in this display, the words are before me.
The green of the grass assures
You're still in the business of raising the dead,
but I feel more like that tree with no leaves -
barren and exposed in the cold.
I can't hear You tonight.
So many things capture my minutes
until they're all gone and I'm left here depleted.
What I needed was Your voice
but I kept telling you to wait a minute, hour, day ...
The sun is setting, and I think the night is in my heart.

2008-02-08T14:43:00.000-05:00

I shut my eyes to her, the aching isn't felt when I keep running,
But with one word or one clumsy motion she's found to be inside of me.
The cup tipped four times tonight & I watched the liquid stain my shirt -
She always does leave a mark.

Every mother who loves & laughs, every mention of disease,
And my heart tremors longingly - but at least we move quickly,
The pain remains expressed merely in sighs.

There is a woman living hours north of me who used to hold me in her arms
She probably spoke & sang to me as she carried me in her womb
I must have felt her love some time, she must have made it clear,
But oh the hours and screams and disease that have wiped such memories away,
That took her from me when I thought she was still here.

I hoped, but it shred my heart to pieces until I could bear no more
So I grieved my mother's death though she is yet alive,
And today she has nothing to do with me, but she's become everything inside.

My God, oh God, I know You love her and call me to as well
But there are wounds and voids still gaping that I just cannot bridge
My heart's still shattered Father, and I can't see through the mess.
I'm so ashamed how I don't love her, I don't know how to want her back.
I don't desire a miracle, I'm scared of who she'd be well,
And I can't stand to hope because it's been a path of pain for me

But Your gentle hand is on me
And Your compassion sees what is, and what should be.
I know You long to heal every broken part,
To replace every lie that tears at me at night.
Oh, love on me dear Father, I feel so void of it tonight.

2008-01-07T20:19:00.002-05:00

You chose the womb and the woman to give me to
Knowing all that she carried and all she would and would not be to me
Wrapped with tiny silken skin, you formed me and clothed me,
Allotting my days, my eyes, my future tears
I was beautiful in Your sight
Your mighty hands knit me tenderly together
And in Your goodness You saw fit to then plant this disease that later will flourish
A thorn in my flesh, and You said that it was good
Your daughter, your masterpiece, wholly unflawed in Your eyes
Love floods Your eyes when you look at me and it never wavers
You rave of my worth because I am made by Your loving hands
To You I am not this disease.
You are truth, and I am dust
But I see something different when I look at how I’m formed
The gene that You declare will be for good, I cry that it’s of Satan
The intrinsic beauty and worth You put on me like a garment is invisible in my mirror
Your fingerprints can’t have intended to leave what remains
So I paint and hide
I love my cloak of leaves because I’m embarrassed of myself
I fear Your footsteps coming nearer because I care more for what they see than who You say I am

She infects me on the inside though she sits miles away and her voice hasn’t been heard in ages. Her destiny haunts me and hangs on my shoulders with wicked whispers of the evil awaiting me and the hearts I too will break. I move and I feel like her, and my soul cringes. I dance because she wouldn’t. I must - for I cannot be her. Because there is nothing worse, nothing worse… Oh, what if there is worse?

2007-06-14T16:20:00.001-04:00

Reflections on Pakistan

I've been home from my month in Pakistan for 2 weeks now. There's so much to digest I still almost don't feel ready to write this, but at the same time there's something about just starting to write about it that gets me to make sense of it all quicker. So here goes.

Getting to go to Pakistan for the month of May was one of the greatest blessings of my life. It scared me, stretched me, and more than anything blessed me and taught me.

When we first arrived in the town of Layyah where we were staying I was feeling sick and exhausted from the week of traveling and overwhelmed by the heat. I was scared I wouldn't be able to make it through the month. On the day-long bus ride there from Islamabad I'd watched out the window as a spectator of this fascinating country. The terrain went from green and mountainous to dusty and rugged. What struck me more than the surroundings though were the people we'd drive by. It felt like everything was different from Canada. I wrote this in my journal about the experience:

"Early on while we were in our air-conditioned bus driving by villages and groups of gypsies living in mere tents I felt the unrelatability and unpreparedness because of my culture. Being in this team and having Gary and Joan and Paul to mediate for us essentially and having the bus to ourselves except for the 3 Pakistani drivers and navigators made me feel like we were in this invisible bubble going through a world so foreign to me, that I was just getting to look in on. There is fear somewhat of entering their world, or fear that I can't. Regardless, already my eyes have been opened to see a way of life and a worldview that is so drastically real and different from what my own has been. Driving by the fields and seeing men and women alike out there in such heat working with such primitive tools struck me with how hard-working these people are and I respect them so much for it. It put me to shame in my laziness. It feels very strange being here, I feel my Canadianess, the way I grew up, the beliefs that I have, and cultural practices I value and am accustomed to that feel a barrier from fully connecting with Pakistan. My heart is more burdened for this country now though, my love and concern and prayers for these people are increasing ... I don't know what God's purpose for me is in being here when I am so inadequate, but I do see already what he's doing in me, and if I leave feeling just as weak and useless as I feel now but Pakistan is engraved on my heart to pray for the rest of my life, for other capable workers if not me to come bring Christ's light, then this trip will have been worth it to me."

I wrote that at the beginning of our time in Layyah, and it was a perfect foreshadowing of what God was going to teach me through my time there. I did get to see inside their world. I got to know what Pakistanis are like, and they are wonderful, loving, hospitable, joyful, funny, deep people. Visiting homes and families was such a cool experience, yes there were huge cultural differences in that men and women were separated while visiting and different things like that, but what struck me was how united and loving the families were, they were all so close.

By far the highlight of the trip for me was working with the hostel boys. We did two weeks of VBS, first with the younger boys, and then with the older ones. The first week I taught Bible with Laurie and the second week I taught English with Stef. I've taught Bible at VBS's in Canada for 3 years now, but it was a whole new experience having to go through a translator. I struggled with it a bit, it didn't feel as personal for me, but when I'd hear those kids saying their memory verses in Urdu or learning "Jesus Loves Me" it just thrilled my heart. I didn't think I would enjoy teaching English as much, but it turned out to be an incredible experience for me. I've only ever taught Bible and I love it because I know it's a worthy investment into those kids and my heart does nothing less than thrill when I hear kids understanding what they've been taught or praying or saying their verses. When I found out that I'd be teaching English the second week I was slightly disappointed, but I did want to expand my skills and experience and be stretched in new things. What I quickly came to find was that I got the same thrill in my heart when I heard those kids speaking English because I know how beneficial knowing English will be for them in their lives. The missionaries we worked with told us how much of an asset knowing English is in life in Pakistan career and education wise. These kids all came from poor families and it remains my prayer that they'll be able to rise above their circumstances and go on to get a good education and have enough to provide for themselves and their families. I realized how much we take for granted here in Canada.

The hostel boys absolutely captured my heart. I've been away from them 2 weeks now and my heart is still there with them in so many ways. They blessed me so much. They are so precious! More than the VBS, my favorite thing was when I'd just get to go over to the hostel and play with the boys or read with them. They just lit up whenever their Aunties (us girls) or Uncles (Dan & Jake) would come to spend time with them. We'd play UNO, or read, or play with bubbles, or they'd chase us with water! I loved those times best because that was when I'd get to see their personalities outside the classroom. It was incredible how much I could connect and communicate with them when we spoke totally different languages. It was beautiful. I honestly don't know what more to say, I just came to love them so much, and leaving them was the hardest part in coming home.

God taught me about prayer in Pakistan. I found myself continually just burdened to pray for the country, the hostel boys, the missionaries, specific situations, etc. It seemed prayer flowed out of me in a way I've never experienced before, it was as though it wasn't me at all praying. I learned to pray for everything, to open my eyes and heart to let myself be burdened and take those burdens to God in prayer. God brought me to see how powerful and necessary prayer is, and to believe that God listens to those prayers because it is Him who lays it on my heart to pray.

God taught me just how blessed I am. Seeing the lostness of Pakistan, getting to go to a Muslim saints tomb and watching the people kiss it and pray to it for that saint to intercede to Allah for them humbled me. It made the life and assurance that I have in Christ become all the more clear in its wonder and brilliance. I learned that it doesn't matter what my circumstances are, even if all of my life were to be trial and suffering, I'd have reason for joy in every moment if for no other reason than this - I was told the good news and I am now found and not lost, I have true life and I am God's child and He loves me. I've learned afresh how the gospel really is the best news in the world! Why would I ever be afraid to share it and why would I keep it to myself? It is life itself! I've been challenged to be more open with people wherever I go about the hope and life I have in Christ. We are so blessed here in Canada to have been told that news. Pakistan and many others are entire countries who haven't heard. I want to be a part of reaching the unreached.

God changed my direction in Pakistan as well. I went feeling called to a life of overseas missions, although I didn't know where. I expected of the trip that at least my call to overseas missions would be solidified, and maybe I'd even be called to Pakistan. The first 2 weeks there God began to change my direction in my involvement in missions, it was a battle in my heart for quite some time because I'd been so sure I was meant to be a missionary. But through spending some pretty incredible and emotional times with God seeking and praying it became clear that he has a different role for me in missions than I expected. He started to lead me more towards being involved from home, raising awareness and funds for ministries like the boys' hostel in Layyah. I don't know how God will lead me career wise now, this is something I'd really appreciate prayer for.

I left Pakistan deeply in love with it. My burden for it has continued to grow. The people there are incredible. The church is small and struggling. The missionaries are few and overworked, but are sustained by God's grace and an incredible beacon of light and love. There are presently 3 missionaries working on the compound (Paul & Shelley Somsel & Judy) where we stayed and they are fervently praying for 20 more workers in the next 10 years. So few have ever even heard the gospel in Pakistan. Please join with me in prayer for Pakistan and countries like it, and I'd challenge everyone to consider what part they can play in reaching the lost of this world, here in Canada and across the world.

2007-03-07T18:57:00.003-05:00

My mom's mother (my Nana) passed away about a week and a half ago. The funeral was last Thursday. This was the first Huntington's death in the family, at least the first that we were aware of the presences of Huntington's. It's made me think a lot. This is hard.

2007-01-17T19:20:00.001-05:00

Last Saturday we finally found out the results of the Huntington's gene test for my mom is positive, she has the disease, and by extension, all of us kids now definitely have a 50/50 chance that we too will develop this awful disease. News like this, when you’ve been waiting for it for years and it never comes, doesn’t really hit you like a Mac truck like I’d expected. I’ve become so accustomed to living with the small hope that Huntingtons may have nothing to do with our family that to now let go of that and accept the reality is not as easy as I had expected. It still feels the same in some ways. It feels like Saturday should have felt more monumental and life changing, but it was very much an ordinary busy day and the news was unexpected and pushed to the backburner. It’s sinking in more slowly, and the full effect is felt and fades in waves.

It’s been a process over the past few years of learning to disconnect my emotions from what my mom does, and realize that she is not the mother I kept holding out hope she still would be. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Everyone told me that I couldn’t reason her out this, but I kept trying for so long and felt the regular burns of her emotionlessness despite my most desperate attempts to get through to her. Now I’ve mourned her place in my life as though she died, and I don’t let myself think of her much. It’s easiest that way, but there are yet haunting nights when the reality that she’s still alive and might still come home hit me and enliven once again the fear of how on earth any of us will ever deal with it, particular Rachel who still lives at home.

The thought of her getting better enough to come home is possibly the worst fear that I have. Not in that I hope she doesn’t get well and live as good a life as she can, but rather I completely and utterly fear the relationship I’m to have with her. The role of mother has died in my life. What will I do if she gets better and tries to be that to me again? She hurt me so much in the years of transitioning into this disease when we didn’t know what was going on with her that I just had to shut down. How could I ever trust her again? As I’ve gotten older I’ve found it striking that I ache for closeness with my parents greater than I ever have before, and therefore the void of living without a mother figure continually more painfully lacking. When she called me from the hospital before Christmas and was telling me she loved me and was proud of me and asked me about my life now, it was everything I have been dying for, but yet it’s so evidently clear that she’s not okay and she’s still untrustworthy because she’s not better, though she may have improved in some ways. I still don’t believe what she says, and legitimately so I’m afraid. I don’t know what to view her as or what role I can let her have in my life, it is exactly that that twists my stomach in knots when I think of her.

Maybe I think too much, but I’m afraid all of this is merely the tip of the iceburg of thought that this news has sparked in the rare moments I have alone to think. Taking the genetic test for myself and wondering how all of this will affect my career and future relationships and life overall has been plaguing my silent thoughts as I go about my day. Thankfully, my coping mechanisms have been kicking in and I’ve been finding myself conveniently obsessed with homework lately and have been with my friends as much as possible to laugh so I can’t feel the fears and pains. An undying hope persists through all this though and my joy in life is actually sharpening rather than waning. I am thoroughly convinced that God has a good purpose for all of this and that we as a family will persevere and blossom through it with His help.

2006-09-27T18:14:00.001-04:00

So, it's been a long time since I've written anything in here! My summer in Lindsay was good, it was such a blessing to be involved at Fairview again doing VBS and the like. I'd missed those kids so much. Now, I'm here in Cambridge attending Heritage Bible College! I still can't believe I'm here! Last year I wrestled through the decision to come so much, right up until about a week before I came when everything finally fell into place. I can't help but sit in awe of God's ways of directing and providing for his children. I've never felt more blessed than I do now that I am here. I love everyone here so much already, the fellowship is incredible! I have been so challenged, so inspired, and so uplifted.

It's hard reading back through my posts from last year, as I read them it brings back the all too piercing memories of how I felt as I wrote. It was a year of incredible pain, struggle and questioning everything I believe. It makes the grace of God all the more poignant though as I look back in this moment and see how remarkably blessed I've been. I've never felt more humbled in my life than I have lately, that he'd choose to bless me so much this year after I thoroughly proved myself to be the most faithless, selfish, doubting Christian! His grace astounds me.

I've been on a happy high every since I got here 3 weeks ago, just enjoying hanging out and laughing with everyone and building these phenomenal friendships. Nothing's really seemed to be able to bring me down, even hearing about how my mom's getting worse has brought tears occasionally, but I've been so ministered to through the times of worship and messages that for the majority of the time it hasn't been too difficult to find peace and joy in the Lord. For some reason though, this week I've had a lot more time to be alone and mellow out and think and feel all the confusing emotions that I've been pushing away. I've finally allowed myself to think about my family and there have definitely been moments of sadness and a feeling of helplessness this week as I think of my mom. My dad's presently going through the complicated and frustrating legal process to force her into a hospital for care now because she's not taking care of herself at all hygenically or nutritionally, and mentally she's continually deteriorating. I know it's absolutely killing him inside to do this. I can't even imagine! I still can't fully grasp the fact that my mom is basically gone now, not physically, but in every other way that makes her her, and that she'll most likely spend the rest of her life in a mental hospital paranoid of us. No wonder I avoid thinking about this, I almost want to erase what I just wrote there so that it will stop feeling so uncomfortable that this is something in my life, that it's my mother I'm talking about, and that there's a 50/50 chance that it could be me developing the disease in 10-20 years. It doesn't seem real. I feel numb in a way to it. I just cannot let myself think about it for too long.

One of the many incredible experiences I had this week was at Impact Group when I shared about my mom's situation for the first time and asked for prayer. For some reason at Fairview Bible studies I could never feel comfortable enough to open up about my family, so I never asked them to pray for us though I was aching to. To have finally been able to ask for prayer for my mom here and know that those people would genuinely care was such a blessing that it brought tears to my eyes as I listened to them pray and cry for me. I've never been more touched in my life. These girls here are amazing. God is so good to me!

I've been reflecting on all that I've been challenged with since coming here, all the areas that God's been challenging me with, particularly keeping my focus fixed on Him. I so easily get distracted and caught up in my own wants and hurts and ideas and completely forget that a life focused on me is only ever disappointing and empty. It's a continual struggle to shift my way of thinking away from loving myself first to loving others, endeavoring to bring God glory in all I do. It seems the farther I go in my spiritual walk, the further back I find I really am. I like that feeling though, because it means my hypocrisy is being stripped away and realness is being exposed.

Since starting classes here, reality about where I'm really at intellectually has also set in. I'm frustrated with my lazy tendencies when it comes to thinking critically. I am far too often easily convinced without questioning, and all it's gotten me is a lot of knowledge that I don't know much about (however that works)! It's not that I get bad marks, but that I've let good marks excuse me from really trying to learn. Grr, I've been so dumb! Haha, anyway, enough about that, I'm just ranting. I'm going to go print off my psychology paper for tomorrow! I already have a midterm in that course in a week! Ahh!

2006-05-14T00:38:00.001-04:00

So I'm coming up on another move next weekend, back to my old stomping grounds of Lindsay. I spent a lot of time stressing and praying over the decision and now that I've finally made it, I'm at peace. Once again though, the emotions of the moving process, now that it's inevitable, have kicked in. I guess I always expect that because I've moved so many times in the last three years that I'll somehow be a pro at it and it won't affect me much really. While I have become a pro in some things like packing and accepting the feelings of unsurety as natural and that will work out, it seems that no matter how many times you move away from those you love it will always hit you as hard as it ever has. I thought this time for sure it wouldn't be that hard because I've only been here with Chris and Jess for about 3 and a half months, but as soon as I made the decision and put things in place and started packing a few days ago it began to hit me. I had to just sit down on my bed and look around at all the boxes and the room that's been my refuge for the past few months and all I could think was, "I move too much, it's too hard on the heart." It feels like that lump in the back of your throat you get when you're trying to fight back tears, except it's only developing and you just know it will come the day you have to actually walk out that door and say goodbye. I am not one who can keep back the tears in moments like that.

I am deeply excited about going to Lindsay and being with all my friends and getting involved in all of the opportunities for ministry I have there for the summer. I know it's where I'm supposed to be for now and I feel a purpose in life that I haven't felt for a while as I've been done school and had no job the last few weeks, but as much as I look forward to the experiences awaiting me there, it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about leaving Chris and Jess. It's mushy time. :) They have seriously been such a blessing in my life that I cannot stress it enough just how grateful I am for all that they've done for me and how much I've enjoyed being with them. They have been so giving and selfless to let me live here that I feel awfully indebted and yet so deeply grateful. I wish with all my heart that I could somehow give back to them how they gave to me, not just practically but also what they've given me beyond that. They challenged and encouraged me and have believed in me like I've never felt before and that has meant so much more to me than I could express.

At the moment they're gone for four days so I'm here with plenty of time to think about the last few months with them and prepare for the move. It's pretty crazy looking back over the past few years. I'm remembering about the first time I moved with in them a few years ago when I was 17. It was my first time living away from home and they made that year so amazing and beneficial for me as well. Plus that's when I really got to know and be comfortable with Jess. Before that he was kind of a nice stranger married to my sister, but now he's as much family as anyone and he is one incredible guy whom I look up to more than he probably realizes.

With every move I make I find myself crying before God, "Please, someday let it be that my family and where you want me are in the same place." Chris and I were talking about the move the other day while out for lunch and shopping on her lunch break and she mentioned someday we have to live in the same town again. My heart aches for that. It is such a blessing to have a sister who is your friend as well as family. We go shopping together, running together, she's there for me to talk to or cry to, it's been awesome. I love my family dearly and I just pray someday, somehow maybe we could all live close to eachother again. It seems more unlikely than ever I suppose considering that our brother Jon is moving 3000 miles away to Edmonton in a few days, but maybe someday, maybe at least a few of us. We'll see what God has in store.

So my heart is aching tonight over the thought of leaving, but yet there is an underlying peace that God is leading me to a good place, and Chris and Jess as well. It's just pretty incredible thinking about it all, seeing how God's provided for me this year, and how blessed I've been here. It probably doesn't come through in my blogs as much because only my serious side comes out in these posts, but all my friends have noticed that I've been so much happier and more my self since coming here. So my tears tonight are as much of joy in what I've had here as for sorrow in leaving. I know God cares and sees my tears, I know He's near and guiding my life.

Psalm 56:8 (MSG) - "You've kept track of my every toss and turn through sleepless nights, each tear entered your ledger, each ache written in Your book."

2006-04-28T01:01:00.001-04:00

I have been stressing myself out so much lately that it's disgusting. I have a constant weight on my heart and knot in my stomach about decisions for next year: to go to Heritage Bible College or to just work to save for university. I've found myself tossing and turning at night, unable to sleep, and then sleeping until like noon or sometimes even 2 in the afternoon! When I do wake up I just want to go back to sleep so I don't have to feel the fear and unsurety, so I don't have to face the decisions I just can't seem to make.

As I've been forced to search out this decision I've spent much time thinking and evaluating either decision. To work for a year and then go to university for a degree seems to look the best practicality-wise but it just doesn't sit well with me somehow. I've never wanted to have this practical view of life that is so typically ordinary, that strips you of spontaneity and risk and makes you just like every other person who has a life-plan to follow. I did draw up a life-plan including funds and career goals if I went ahead with the working and then university thing but it leaves me feeling dull and empty, or at least not ready for it yet. Foolish or not, I've always wanted a different life from the ordinary and practical. I've wanted to be recklessly abandoned to pursuing relationships and adventures and fulfilling work above monetary gain. For me I feel most fulfilled working with youth, mentoring younger girls, or playing with kids and sharing about Jesus with them. My heart is full of dreams and desires and aching ambitions which aren't necessarily practical or normal. I want to spend my entire life in Christian ministry in whatever I end up doing, that has to be an element of it for me. I want to share this true life that I've found in Christ! The last few years my passion to go over to Africa with World Vision or a similar organization has grown and it's a dream of mine to be a part of their ministry somehow. I want to go to Africa and meet those people in poverty and hold those babies in my arms and love them by helping those communities spiritually as well as economically, or at the very least raise up support for them here if I never have the opportunity to go there myself. These are my ambitions, that is the picture of a fulfilling life to me - to reach out to those in need with the love of Christ. I am just one life and Africa's needs are so much greater than I can imagine sitting here in my warm home with my stomach full so far from ever really knowing what it's like there and is yet only a portion of the needy in the world, but any dint I can make, if it is only one life to prosper physically, mentally, and spiritually, it would be worth giving my life to help.

In drawing up plans for finances and everything I really spent time thinking about it all. It seemed so set out, like this is the plan that will bring you to financial security and ensure you a good job, but is it really all it promises? As I thought and prayed about it I was reading in Ecclesiastes and some things began to make more sense to me.

Ecclesiastes 8:14, 9:1,11 - "There is something else meaningless that occurs on earth: righteous men who get what the wicked deserve, and wicked men who get what the righteous deserve ... So I reflected on all this and concluded that the righteous and the wise and what they do are in God's hands, but no man knows whether love or hate awaits him ... The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong; nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all"

2006-03-26T00:39:00.001-05:00

So much is on my mind and heart, so many questions and battles are still waging in my soul, and unfortunately they're mostly the same ones that have been dominating my thoughts for months. There are feelings of guilt and weakness, inadequecy and loneliness, and aching for that feeling I used to know of being confident and purposeful. This is going to be a long post I'm afraid!

As I've mentioned before, this year I have been shown my great weaknesses in many senses. I have stared face to face with hideous parts of my heart that I didn’t know were there or that I had hoped I had conquered. It’s such a shameful and embarrassing place to be, especially when all my friends seem to be doing so well and seem stronger and more blessed than ever. It makes me feel like I’m the only one so weak, the only follower of Christ who fails this much. It’s been such a struggle to work my way through the sin, the shame, the guilt, and discover how it affects my relationship with God. My initial reaction in that shame and embarrassment is to be too afraid to return to God, for surely He can’t be willing to forgive so much so often. Yet I can never hold out long apart from Him and I end up crumbling before Him in my shame, begging upon His mercy yet again. In those moments I am always met with the striking reality that there was no need to hesitate, no need to fear if He’d forgive me. I am never met with the stern and angry God my mind conceives and fears; but instead I’m met only with the reality of Jesus’ compassionate understanding and incredible love and the reminder that God’s love does not fade, no matter the depths to which I plunge. He’d been waiting for me to just come to Him the minute I felt that shame so He could take it from me and show me how much He loves me. I wonder what it is that has influenced me so that I get such a distorted picture of who God really is in those times that I expect judgment where I've only ever found mercy and grace.

I’ve been listening to Bethany Dillon’s CD “Imagination” a lot the past month or so. So many of the songs speak to where my hearts struggles lie right now and lessons that I've learned. Her song “My Love Hasn’t Grown Cold” is so relevant to all I’ve been learning about God that I’ve just talked about. It’s a slow and beautiful song and the lyrics are what God is whispering to the hearts of His children in those times when we’re too afraid to come to Him.

Bethany Dillon’s “My Love Hasn’t Grown Cold”

You shake your head
What is so hard to believe?
When you are in your bed
I sing over you the sweetest things
Because oh, my love, it does not tire
I’m awake when the moon is full
And I know the times when you feel lost
And you just aren’t sure

Lo and behold
My love hasn’t grown cold
For you

You could steal away in the middle of the night
And hide in the light of day
While you cloak yourself in the darkest lies
But oh, my love, it swims in the deepest oceans of fear
And as soon as you lower your head
I am here

If only you could see how heaven stills when you speak
I know all your days
And I have wrapped you in mystery
And oh, my love for you is as wide as the galaxies
Just hold out your hand and close your eyes
And come be with me

Another thing that has been burdening me is this often overwhelming feeling of loneliness that I can't seem to shake. This year has been so deeply lonely compared to what I had last year. To go through this year with all its pains, from my mom’s “episodes” to the internal battles with sin, has been so difficult without that community of friends I had near me last year. This year of struggle has been beneficial in finding more of who I really am, but at the same time I’m feeling weary from all the humbling and my confidence has been fading in a lot of ways. I often question why God has given my friends so much blessing and me so much pain this year. That’s so selfish and I’m not proud of that feeling, but it’s the honest truth I’m afraid. It’s not that I wish less for them, but wonder why my life has to be so different. I’ve felt that way the last few years, ever since the first mental breakdown my mom had when I was about 15 or 16. The feeling of that gap of being different and un-relatable has just grown through the years since as mom got worse and my life got more complicated. I keep so much of what I’m really feeling to myself because I know none of my friends can understand anyway and I don’t want to bother or burden them. A big part of it also is that I don’t want to hear anyone try to act or think like they do understand when I know they don’t and them give me typical cookie-cutter fits-all advice. I’ve got that too many times and it just ticks me off in all honesty. Someone who has lived in a functional, normal, loving family with parents who are healthy and love each other and provide for them (which describes basically all of my friends) can’t understand my family situation and the emotions sprouting from that, and I don’t expect them to! If I open up, I don’t want someone to say they understand necessarily (although it would be nice to find someone who really did someday) but just to listen, you know? All I want is someone I can cry to when I have to and them just tell me they care, someone who doesn’t necessarily understand where I’ve been but who loves me enough to be there when my heart’s in pain and listen like they actually care. I haven’t experienced that very often, so I’ve become accustomed to keeping it to myself or bringing that pain to Jesus. After all, He’s the only one I fully trust and truly does completely understand.

There is so much more that I could write but this is long and it's late. I should get to bed.

Isaiah 40:28,29 - Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

2006-02-28T23:58:00.001-05:00

I've had such a strange last few days. It seems the last six months of my life have been all about stripping me down, humbling me, challenging all I believe and how I've seen me and my future. The last week or so has been intense in these ways. I had my best friend here last week while she was on Reading Week and that was great and she brought alot of laughs into my life, but even still, at night while she was sleeping I'd be lying in the dark, wide awake as my fears and questions about me, my faith, and my future plagued me. I feel so empty lately, so distant from God. I feel so far from where I should be, so sinful, and helpless to change. I fear He's turned His back to me to let me flounder and die apart from Him. I need Him. I've spent so many restless nights aching inside, feeling like weeping but beyond tears, my soul would just groan before my Lord as I'd ask to be saved from this mess I'm in but feeling too unworthy to be answered. I know deep down God hasn't turned from me in even the smallest way and that He is yet near and deeply loving, guiding me even when I can't perceive it, but my doubts are strong opponents to my confidence.

The unknowns in my life are wearing on me lately. Where is home for me? Nothing is known. I don't know where I will be living in 2 months or the next year! I feel I don't belong anywhere. Everywhere I live there is an insatiable guilt of being there that I can't shake. I feel struck down, a failure, a burden and shame to my friends and family; and yet I know that's all coming from inside me and not from them. That's how I view myself and I don't know how to change it, a large part of me really believes it. I hate it because it sounds so ridiculously "Oh, poor me" and stuff, which is not what I'm trying to get across. All of this is working for my good, it already is teaching me alot.

One thing that I've been shown through all of this is more of who I am and how I really stand before God. It's been painful but as I've been stripped down and shown for the sinner I am, it's proved to be the best state I could be in. I want to be real, I want all of my "religiousness" stripped away so that I'm bare and honest before God. I want to be clothed with Jesus Christ until none of my sinful nature remains, but it's got to be Jesus and not a religious facade or mere morality or good behavior simply because of church culture's sake. I need to be real and raw and open about my shortcomings before God and man.

I got drunk for the first time on Friday night after Laurie left because I wanted an escape from my thoughts, my oppressing fears. Since I've felt awful and guilty, as though I am the biggest shame and disgrace of all God's children. Yet, I feel this way not because it's what God tells me, but because of what the Church would. As I came before God in this confusion and sorrow and shame it held no fear. There I found forgiveness, love, compassion, understanding and assurance that He will use even this mistake for a good purpose. But when I think of telling some of the people I know in the church, I'm terrified of the judgment and would rather hide it. That should not be and makes me sad. What has the Church become? When did it cease to remember it's composed of sinners? I am saved but I am still very much a sinner and I fail and struggle through this process of sanctification. I am justified, not because of anything I am or do, but becuase of grace alone. I see now that much of my so-felt righteousness from before when I was so active in the church and surrounded by those influences was not from the heart. That was not obedience to God but compliance to what's expected in the church. I was not faced with opportunity, let alone temptation, to go get drunk and other such 'obvious rebellions.' No, my sins and temptations were of a different kind then, the ones I could hide from the church and they wouldn't ask about and the others that wouldn't be challenged because their prevalent in most church members like gossip and slander and arrogant self-righteousness and religiosity. They just felt more righteous than getting drunk because they're not as shunned in the Church, but that's SO messed up! Jesus taught the opposite! Matthew 15:11 - "What goes into a man's mouth does not make him 'unclean', but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him 'unclean'." I'm not belittling getting drunk, but simply asking why is that in the church we don't feel as guilty about slandering someone behind their back as we do about getting drunk? It's so wrong and such a challenge to my own heart. I think the Church (and I) needs to remember that God calls sinners, not religious or righteous peole who have it all together. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to mess up and fail. The Church should be the safest and most honest place on earth! We are justified by faith, not works, so why do we treat eachother's sins with the disgust and judgment as though what we do does determine our salvation?

God won't stop loving me. No matter how sinful I'll still find myself to be in the future, no matter how many deep and dark facets of my sinfulness I'll be shown that I'm ashamed to find, it doesn't matter. God already knew. I am a sinner, but I am saved by God's wonderful grace. There is true freedom in being stripped down and humbled. I hope I never forget my sinful state, the shame, all the darkness that I've been saved from, and just how unworthy but grateful I am of God's freely given grace.

Matthew 9:11-13 - The Pharisees asked His disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and 'sinners'?"
On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

2006-01-27T17:13:00.001-05:00

It's been quite a while since I've posted on here, much has happened and much has changed in my heart. Those first few months of November and December after I found out about my Nana and Mom having Huntington's were so difficult! It's kind of hard to look back on my posts now, just over a month later, and remember the pain and tears as I wrote them not that long ago although it feels like it was ages ago. I began to come out of that period of depression around Christmas. We were together as a family for Christmas for the first time in over a year and that felt incredible for me. After Christmas I visited with my best friends for a few weeks and I was deeply encouraged and uplifted by them. I also was able to have a fair bit of alone time there where I could wrestle through my feelings and thoughts before God. Somehow slowly I crawled out of the hole of depression I was in and now I am far more at peace and content though the unknowns and family pains still bring me to tears at times. I have and am still learning much through all of these trials.

An opportunity I've been given lately is to move out again and live at Christen and Jesse's. I'm set to move in with them a week today. I have very much mixed feelings about it. Mainly I'm undescribably thankful before God and for Chris and Jess because it's like I've been given hope again, a way out of this environment that fosters depression for me. I'll also be living alot closer to my best friends again. It'll be great to live there with them and I'm excited. Is it strange then that in leaving a part of my heart is breaking? It's been mostly painful for me here, a constant trial it seems, but throughout it there were those moments that shine out and warm my heart as well. Those simple things that only a romantic like me would find special enough to miss. Things like my Dad cracking jokes and making me laugh when he's in a good mood, or seeing him make his famous cornbread for us; or the rare times Rach and I would both be in great moods and be silly and laugh our heads off together, sometimes even with Mom too. I'll miss just waking up in our family home, having that small degree of the taste of a normal life and home and family that many of my friends have. I think it hurts more than anything to leave because it feels I'm leaving in defeat in a way, that I couldn't hack it here, it was too emotionally draining for me. I guess I feel like I'm leaving them behind or something, that I'm taking my chance for a better life but their still stuck here. It feels selfish. I don't know why it's worked out this way.

Gosh, my life is strange. How many more moves will I have to make before I ever have a settled life? Only God knows I suppose. For now, all I can do is take this step in faith, even if I don't understand yet what God is doing, trusting myself and my family to His loving care, continuing to pray that He'll lead and provide for us all.

Proverbs 3:4,5 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

2005-12-16T03:56:00.001-05:00

I've been thinking alot lately about the way I've been reacting to my mom, trying to figure out why I react with yelling and why it feels so good at the time even though I know it isn't really helping the situation for any of us. I realized that I yell back at her because it's the only way to get some sort of reaction from her, the only way I can illicit at least some emotion out of her. She otherwise seems reactionless, emotionless, heartless. Nothing else works to get her to notice, to feel something about how I'm acting or what I'm saying.

Since I first moved back home a few months ago my practice for dealing with my mom was always only to calmly reason with her and not yell and attack her with my words like I saw Rachel doing on occasion. I figured that to talk with her and explain to her how we're all feeling and what our concerns were would be the solution to our problems, she'd finally understand. In the first few months we had the same conversation many times and every time I'd try to make her understand using every method or angle I could imagine but it always ended up with her seemingly unfeeling and unaffected and me crying and frustrated. I had thought that surely she'd listen to me, her daughter, when I was vulnerable and honest with her that her behavior was really hurtful. Nope! I guess I underestimated Huntington's, either that or my mom is beyond stubborn and is just cold-hearted, which I don't want to believe. But anyway, so I guess the frustration of feeling so unheard has been building up over the months and now I've found that in poking her buttons to start a yelling-fest it gives me an opportunity to release all those emotions I've been holding inside and make her feel something towards me, even if it is anger.

Ever since I've started wanting to yell at her more and more I've known it was wrong and was always ashamed afterwards. I really don't want to crush her spirit, even though in the moment I sometimes want her to hurt like she's hurt me. Ultimately though, I know that this will just aggravate her temper and make her tantrums a more regular occurence (as has been the case since). Ever since that night she flipped on me our relationship has been majorly strained. I'm struggling within myself, desiring to love her as my Lord calls me too, selflessly and unconditionally regardless of how she treats me; but then another bitter side of me, my sinful nature, desires her to suffer for all that she's done to hurt me, hoping that by ignoring her or not making things right between us that it will make her realize finally that something's wrong with her and that she'll go get help for Huntington's.

I still haven't accepted that she won't change I guess. I keep hoping, trying different things to get something to make her see what she's doing to us all, that she isn't herself and that she's sick. It doesn't look like she'll ever change though so I guess I need to let this all go somehow, this need for her to see and feel remorse for hurting us, the need for her to feel sorry and apologize. I wish it was easier to do. I'm called to forgive as my Lord forgave me, limitlessly, completely and unconditionally, but boy, I've been far from that! This is a daily battle, I pray it gets easier 'cause it sure isn't now.

Ephesians 4:31,32 - "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
1 John 4:7,21b - "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God...Whoever loves God must also love his brother."

2005-12-09T02:41:00.001-05:00

Huntington's Disease came and glared me in the face tonight a little too close for comfort. I had a big blow-up with my mother. I’d asked her to help me with something quick to prepare for a big exam I have and she reluctantly agreed so I went and got my laptop, came back downstairs, and found her in a full-out rage towards me. Her teeth were clenched and her body stiff as she told me how furious she was with me for making her do this. I was taken aback and rather ticked off that she wouldn’t do one tiny thing for me so I just said, “Okay fine! I’ll just wing the exam without your help like I always do with everything!” She became even more infuriated for a reason I had yet to understand and eventually just snapped and went into this tantrum. I was frozen where I stood and couldn’t say a word, I just watched her there in a pile on the floor glaring up at me with hatred in her eyes as she screamed a scream you only hear coming from a two-year old for me to get out of her sight and leave her alone. My mother is 50 years old but in that moment she acted like an infant, how do you process seeing your mom like that? Rachel heard the awful scream from upstairs and came running down to us with a glass of water to splash on my mom if she had too, if she tried anything. I lost it after that, I started crying and yelling that she wasn’t supposed to be like this, that a mom isn’t supposed to yell at her kids like that or act like a child. I started gathering up my books to leave as I cried and Rachel had her say with her. My mom just got up and acted as though she had no remembrance of the fact that she’d just spent the last five minutes screaming at her daughter, and breaking her heart yet again.

In those moments I can’t keep control of my emotions. The flood of anger and pain comes upon me so quickly and heavily that I can’t even think of being calm or going to cool off. So I end up yelling at her until my weeping makes it impossible to continue, and then sitting here hours later ashamed at my reactions but feeling helpless to know how to do any differently. I know I shouldn’t attack her with my words like I do because it’s the disease so it’s not her fault, but it feels unfair that she can hurt me and tear my heart to pieces and I’m expected to just take it and let this disease make her forget it ever happened, as though she didn’t just take a little more of my spirit.

What do I do? How do I take all of this in? She’s my mother, she’s not supposed to be this person! It’s been so many years now that she’s been getting like this that Rach and I were talking tonight about how we can’t even decipher any more what is mom and what is the disease, we just can’t remember who she used to be. She’s become like a child, just like my Nana seemed in the hospital. She’s getting worse fast. Since I’ve come home from my two weeks away she’s been steadily going down hill, I noticed a change in her the minute we got back, she cares about us even less. She secludes herself from all of us now and avoids us as much as she can. She won’t even stay in the same room as my dad and now after today, probably not with me either. Have I just lost my mom for good? Are the days of her caring about me finally over? Has her heart now turned away from me as it has toward my dad and her dad, and now turned to despise me like she does them?

It brings tears to my eyes. I know I already asked this, but what do I do? I feel so lost and confused again. Yesterday I spent a lot of time with the Lord surrendering all of this and received an incredible peace that continued on to today but then this happened and I’ve so quickly let go of that peace. Why God remains so patient with me I’ll never understand but I’m so glad He is. How could I ever bear all this alone?

2005-12-07T02:30:00.001-05:00

I've realized lately that I have a hard time opening up and telling people how I feel, that I rarely let people really know honestly how I'm doing. I have a problem with letting people in and showing any of the vulnerable in me. I'm usually quite good with putting on a face to disguise the turmoil within my heart. Few see past my charade, and those that do I brush off with a quick synopsis of what's wrong but then I'm quick to belittle it and assure the person I'm okay and it's really not so bad, even if it's destroying me inside. I don't know why I do it. I think all of us want to bear our souls to one another, express the feelings of heartache deep inside to a caring, listening ear. I know I do, but then why is that I refrain when given the chance? I have a problem trusting people with my heart, my emotions, my pain, my thoughts.

When I was thirteen I had my heart broken by a boy for the first time. It was not just rejection in the sense that this guy didn't want to be with me in general, but his reason that I wasn't "worthy" was that I was too fat for him. That was a pivotal moment in my life, and it changed me from then on, eventually for the better in some ways (and now years later that guy's grown up and is actually a good friend) but some damage to my self-worth still remains that I'm not sure can ever be undone, although I would hope so. That event, as well as other incidents, translated to my young mind the idea that my value is in how I look, particularly if I'm thin or not. My soul felt grieved over this. It didn't feel right, surely that could not be the most important thing! What of personality, intellect, my thoughts, my soul? Surely those should be of greater worth, right? That day told me I was wrong and that good looks were in fact the definition of beauty. Not only did it tell me that, but that good looks were a mandatory prerequisite in order for me to be loved, that I could not expect someone to fall in love with me or blame them if they didn't if I was not thin and beautiful on the outside. I was apparently far from being outwardly beautiful, so that day walls were put up in my heart that it's taken me years to tear down, and still some yet remain that keep even my family and closest friends from knowing much of me. I'd shown that guy a piece of my heart, trusting him with it, and he handled it more than carelessly, absolutely crushing me inside. Now it all seems so silly and I can laugh about it now. If he said that to me today I'd just smack him upside the head and tell him he was a loser and we'd laugh about it because I know he actually respects me now, but back then it was devastating. I'd risked my heart and I got burned. I wasn't going to touch that fire again, the risk just was not worth it.

Thankfully, it was around that time that I happened to read Josh Harris' book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye", as well as some others, that told me I was worth so much to God and that He finds me beautiful not only on the outside no matter what I look like, but that I'm even more beautiful on the inside because of who He's created me to be, that I'm a precious gift created to be given to my future husband someday and I'm worthy of love regardless of how I look on the outside. Over the years since that day my heart first broke I've learned alot and have been successful in tearing down many of the walls that were put up in that painful moment, but to this day I yet struggle with feeling unworthy of love because I'm not as thin or pretty as the girl next to me. Intellectually I want to smack that side of my reasoning because I think it's ridiculous to think that way and if it was a friend saying the things that I tell myself like that I'd completely dispute it, affirming they're beautiful because of who they are on the inside and that their outward beauty is only enhanced all the more because of their beautiful soul. I believe it whole-heartedly for everyone around me so why do I have to live up to a different standard myself?

This has been my battle, continuing to break down these walls, regaining the self-worth I'm to possess as a child of God. Not pride or arrogance by any means, but confidence in who I am before my Lord, in His love for me. Confidence that comes from knowing that I'm already so perfectly loved by my Savior that I need not the love of a guy or any other person to confirm my worth. Belief that I am beautiful and worthy of love because of who God's made me to be inside, regardless of how I look outwardly. Confidence that my thoughts, my feelings, are important enough to allow another person close enough to share them with. I feel I have yet a long journey ahead of me in all of this. But, what can I say? I am a work in progress! :)

1 Peter 3:3,4 - "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment ... Instead it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

2005-12-05T12:13:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I was yet again a particularly awful person to be anywhere near for my family members. What is it that makes me so quick to snap at the littlest disappointments or hurts lately? Why have I been despairing so deeply when I know I have every reason for joy and hope in the Lord? Why have I not to this point accepted my circumstances as lovingly ordained by God and made the most of them, rather than selfishly wallowing in my pain? All of these questions I've been struggling through the last few days. I've done alot of soul searching and I'm ashamed at what I've found. The life-blood of my bad attitudes and all the rest is this deep spirit of selfishness I've been fostering lately. I've lost a healthy perspective as I've been so focused on myself, my circumstances, my pain, my future, to the point that I've pushed away my Lord's quiet whispers along with everyone around me, and by doing so, I've pushed away my joy and any hope for happiness for they are never obtained through selfish means.

So now I see very clearly that I'm selfish and that something needs to be done about it but where do I go from here? I've been shown this selfishness in myself many times before and, in reaction to it, thought ridding myself of it and learning to love others deeper meant doing "selfless" things instead and ignoring those selfish impluses, putting on the expected "righteous" actions that felt good, never realizing my heart was usually far from righteous through it all and therefore most of what I've done is meaningless. I was putting a bandaid on a gaping wound. Now I see that so little of the good I've done was actually done out of love. I'm called to love deeply from the heart, not to give the appearance of love to fool myself and others when inside my heart's just as selfish and sick as it feels on the days like yesterday when it shows itself loud and clear and cannot be ignored. Of course for everyone's sake around me I ought to be considerate and kind and ought to keep my actions and words in check at all times regardless of my heart's condition, but I do so long to learn to truly love from the heart and mend this gaping wound for good.

This time in dealing with this conviction of selfishness I don't want to settle for simply a bandaid of considerate behaviour to others. I want to pro-actively attack that selfishness head on and kill it so that it no longer dwells inside my heart at all. I know I'm incapable of doing that though, at least on my own that is. I know that Christ is the only One that can help me destroy this sin and that can give me that genuine love for others in it's place. While I know that Christ is the One I'm to go to for this, I must admit, I do not fully understand how this change is brought about. What is my part in this? How do my actions begin to flow from love rather than a selfish desire to feel good doing the right thing or to simply keep face? The only thing I know to do to find the answers is to draw closer to my God, to know Him more intimately, to know His character and heart and learn from His love. "Be imitators of God therefore as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a sacrifice to God." (Ephesians 5:1-2) As a child imitates a parent without necessarily understanding the reasons the parent acts the way they do, we're to do with our Heavenly Father. So perhaps, even imitating, without the full measure of heart and understanding, has its purposes in learning to love? I suppose mere imitations of God's love are the baby steps to living a genuine "life of love, just as Christ loved us". I have much yet to learn.

2005-12-04T02:58:00.001-05:00

Why is it that many of us only visit our grandparents or family members and other loved ones only when they're about to die? Why does it take the threat of death or death itself for us to make loved ones an actual priority in our lives? We're so busy it seems and so preoccupied with our materialistic ideas of success that so many of us miss out on some of the most fulfilling aspects of life, quality time with family, or any loved ones. I'm as guilty as anyone I'm afraid. I find the old saying, "You don't know what you've got until it's gone," to be quite true in most of our lives. When my grandpa died a few years ago I suddenly realized all that I'd lost. He was my grandpa of course but beyond that he was a person who had lived a full life and whom I could have learned so much from. Ever since his death I've probably thought about and missed him more than I did when he was alive, as sad as that is. I find I often wish he could speak with me now, that I could go to him for counsel on various things or just for a laugh and quality time. I cherish the memories and pictures with him all the more now that he's gone. While I'll see him again someday in heaven I wish it hadn't taken him dying for me to realize how much I loved him and how much he could mean to me while he was here. I wish I'd spent more time really getting to know him and to learn from him while he was here. I've learned that lesson of not wasting time with loved ones and to invest my time and love while I have them with me, but have I really applied it? I'm afraid not, I'm doing the same thing with my grandparents who are still living. Shame on me.

I recently heard someone say that we should treat everyone around us as though they were dead. Sounds shocking doesn't it? Don't worry, it's not as bad as it sounds. It's just that at someone's funeral suddenly all that the person ever did to wrong you is so easily forgiven and all your grievences with the person don't matter anymore because you only choose to focus on the good in that person. All the rest just seems to quickly fade away. To think like that would give me a whole new perspective on my family and friends and the minor annoyances or hurts in those relationships, as well as the deeper hurts. No one knows how much time they're given with any one person. I don't want any more regrets of "missing out" on really knowing and spending quality time with any of my family members and other loved ones, and I certainly don't want to begin any regrets of being unforgiving when I really should forgive as readily and endlessly as my Lord forgives me. I know that, while full of complications and pains at times, my family is one of the greatest gifts God's ever given to me and He's fitted them perfectly for me and me for them. I have much to gain through continually investing my heart and time with them.

Through all the drama and pain of the last few years, and most recently the pain and uncertainty of having Huntington's become a reality for us as a family, I've often wished for a different family situation. Ultimately though, deep down I would not change a thing on this long and often painful journey, because I know in the depths of my soul that God's ways are perfect and that this is all for our good, and in no way our harm. I'm sure I'll probably doubt tomorrow and dispute this conviction with myself but I know it's true. Some day, perhaps not until I'm with my Lord, I will look back on all of this and see with clarity the reasons why this day, this family pain, this struggle in my soul, is incredibly beautiful in its part of God's plan.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-11 - "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die ... a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance... [God] has made everything beautiful in its time."
Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."

2005-12-03T01:45:00.001-05:00

Today I researched Huntington's Disease some more and it helped with understanding further why my mom does some of the hurtful things she does. It sure is a dreadful disease. The thought of ever having it scares me to no end, although it is mildly encouraging to hear about some of the advancements they're making towards a cure, gives me some hope. I read a long article online today called "The Experience of Being 'At Risk' for Huntington's Disease" that was compiled after interviewing a variety of people in my position who'd seen a parent develop Huntington's and were at risk for it themselves. It's kind of outdated (1979) but it was so comforting to see that the way I feel and my reactions to all of this are not abnormal but infact like so many others through the years who've gone through what I am now. I've never read anything that more precisely describes in detail what my mom is like and the emotional pain it causes us kids. It expresses all the feelings of fear, confusion, depression and dread it evokes in your heart to be a daughter or son witnessing all the confusing and painful behaviour changes in your parent.

One of the huge achings in my heart over Huntington's possibly being in my future that's also addressed in the article has to do with getting married. I've been dreaming of and waiting excitedly to be married to the guy the Lord's chosen for me since I was 13 and now that I'm at the age where that could be possible, I've received this news that challenges my dreams for my future. It was encouraging to know I'm not alone in my feelings of fear of loneliness and rejection. Here's a small quote from the article about it that is exactly how I feel:
"The prospect of prolonged dependency and deterioration often made single people despair of marrying ... [they] questioned whether anyone could ever love and value them enough to want to share that risk. A 22-year-old woman felt her anticipated loneliness to be one of the worst aspects of the disease: 'I guess, the thing I feel bad about on my part, the part I really dread, is having boyfriends see [my mother], 'cause I am very open about what it is and the fact that it's genetic and everything. And I think, wow, if they see how bad it is, it's just gonna be, 'Forget it, baby.' "
It's hard to think of possibly spending my life alone, especially if I have the disease, who will care for me? But that goes two ways because it's hard to think of possibly sharing my life with someone if I have the disease as well because I'd feel guilty putting that person through it. I don't know what's better, it's painful either way. I'm just glad it's in the Lord's good hands to direct the course of my life and not mine.

I've been educating myself more about Huntington's so I know my options when it comes to testing in order to make an educated and wise decision about whether to get the test or not. My first reaction has always been to take it as soon as possible, that if there's a chance of me finding that I don't have it I want to take that chance. I think not knowing for me will always make me live in fear and expectation anyway, as though I do have it when I might not. I've been told that it's a natural reaction to want to find out, but not necessarily wise, and that I should look into it more and become more educated about it before I decide. As I've been reading more, that initial desire to just find out is just as strong or stronger. However, while for myself I'd like nothing better than to know, I'm beginning to see the reality that whether I like it or not, I'm not the only one in this picture. The results of this test don't just affect me, it affects my family and friends, most of all my siblings. None of them have taken the test yet and don't plan too, at least any time soon. If I find out, whatever my result, it would likely make them all more antsy to find out about themselves as well even though some of them really don't want to and shouldn't because they can live better and fuller lives not knowing. It seems for everyone's sake I shouldn't go ahead with the test. I don't want to create a problem or alienate myself from them somehow as I fear would happen if I was the only one who knew for sure.

Gosh, I hate all of this. I'm so restless at the thought of living and not knowing if I have the disease waiting in my body but I guess waiting is what I have to deal with and get over. If I ever get married though I'll want to take the test even more because if there's even a slight chance I can have babies of my own, I'm really going to want to take it! I've always desperately wanted to experience pregnancy, it fascinates me so! It's such an incredibly miraculous process. It breaks my heart because I've always dreamt with my girlfriends of being pregnant together and our kids being best friends as they grow up. Will the Lord really ask me to lay this dream down unfulfilled when it's such a large part of who I am and who I long to be? If so, I wish He'd never created me to desire it so deeply for I can't help but feel that to be awfully cruel. My dreams are such a defining part of who I am and to be a mom is all I've ever been sure I've wanted to do with my life. I have so many questions and unfulfilled longings it aches inside at how unstable my future feels, how I don't know what to picture it as anymore. I feel like I'm being childish and impatient. I know I need to just wait for now and cross those bridges when I get to them, but I can't help wondering about all of this. I so deeply long to share all my life and heart with someone. I see there's still so much in my heart I need to surrender to the Lord and trust Him with.

Psalm 38:8a-10,21-22 -
"...I groan in anguish of heart. All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from You.
"My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes...
"O Lord, do not forsake me; be not far from me, O my God. Come quickly to help me, O Lord my Savior."
Psalm 143:8
"Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul."

2005-12-01T00:29:00.001-05:00

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel you're the worst of yourself? Days that your attitude is so bad that you're consistently a jerk and almost can't help the biting comments or inconsiderate actions from coming out of you even towards those you love? Days you know you'll look back on with shame and deep regret at your actions before the Lord? Today is one of those days for me. Actually, it's kind of been a few weeks like that ever since all this Huntington's Disease news hit home. I've been shown resentment and anger in my heart that I didn't realize was there and it's been rearing it's ugly head far too often ever since and I feel helpless to stop it. I'm normally a rather quiet and easy-going person but I've been far from that lately. I'm ashamed of it, but my anger finds it's vent on innocent members of my family who don't deserve it lately, particularly today. I've taken out my frustrations and anger on others rather than taking them to the Lord or expressing them in a healthy way, like writing down how I feel. I guess that's what I can use this blog for when I need too.

I'm angry about having to deal with Huntington's, having it take my mother and change her into this different person, depriving us of the mother we're "supposed" to have. I'm angry, scared and weak at the thought of having to watch my mom's condition worsen and her personality change even more over the coming years. This disease is so cruel, the process so long, it's like the longest drawn out heartbreak imaginable and I don't feel strong enought to handle it. A large part of me wants out, wants to leave and not look back, wishes that by leaving it would rid me of caring and feeling so deeply over it all but I know it wouldn't so I feel trapped in this pain. I'm angry at my mom for not caring enough to get help, that she's so paranoid from the disease that she won't get medical help because she doesn't trust doctors. I'm angry and confused before the Lord over all of this. Why is our family so afflicted and messed up while so many others are happy and "normal"? I am terrified about the future when all of us kids take the test to see if we have the disease. I feel I could not bear to see even one of us have it. It would change things between us all if some have it and others don't. I know intellectually that the Lord knows best but it's a struggle to trust Him in this right now. What if it's best that some or all of us have this disease too? How could I handle that? It feels too much for this heart that is already so broken. Will God do that to me? I know that if He does, it is loving for God is love and He works all things in my life for my good. I know that He'll help us all through it somehow but I must admit I can't comprehend making it through it at this moment. It feels as though I'll die inside if one of us kids has it. It would shatter my feeble heart.

I know that some day in the future I'll look back on my lack of faith and shameful treatment of my loved ones in this time with a humbled heart at how wrong I was to be fearful. I know I'll wish I had clung to my Lord tighter, never doubting for one moment that God is faithful and good to His children. I know the Lord will prove Himself to be loving for allowing Huntington's Disease into my family, and perhaps my own body. I reach for that trust tonight but feel I've grasped it only lightly for the Deceiver is so effective in whispering fears and doubts to my weakened heart. All I can do is find my rest in the reality of always being in my mighty Savior's presence where His ears and arms are always open and where I am free to unburden my aching heart and accept the peace He offers.

2005-11-30T00:55:00.001-05:00

I just finished listening to a sermon by Bruxy Cavey called "Where are You?" in his series "A Questioning God" on Genesis 2 and 3. It was interesting as he spoke about when Adam and Eve ate the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil they became judges. That's when that whole judgmental character we all now possess was born into our nature. I've been thinking about judgmentalism in our society and churches, and certainly in my own heart, alot lately. It's quite sad how naturally we judge eachother whether it be conscious or subconscious. Because of this judgmentalism we all hide from eachother, hide parts of who we are, in order to be safe from judgement. How many of us are really our whole selves no matter who is around? I certainly am not, I constantly hide! Before the fall, Adam and Eve weren't ashamed of their nakedness (nakedness both physically and emotionally). They knew eachother completely and never once were self-conscious because the thought never crossed their mind that either would judge the other. As soon as they ate the forbidden fruit they were ashamed and self-conscious of their nakedness and covered themselves. It's deeply saddening to read that account, to hear the story of the beginning of our way of hiding who we really are from eachother and trying to hide from God. Of course we cannot hide ourselves from God and He is fully love and we can stand before Him confident of His unconditional love no matter what we've done or where we've been. It's a comfort to me to know that while I know that to show myself to others for all that I am could perhaps bring merciless judgment, it is not so with my Lord.

Should this judgmentalism not be of utmost concern in our churches and myself? In my experience, I've seen judgmentalism thrive in the church possibly more than any other place! Whether it be judging the appearance of strangers (or even friends) in our heads as they walk by or more harsh judgements of character, most of us do it and it's awful! As I've talked with my friends and others about it, most of us, although a part of the church body ourselves, would not feel safe enough to confess our sins and struggles to many of our friends, let alone others in the church family as we're advised to do in James 5:16 - "Therefore confess your sins to eachother and pray for each other so that you may be healed." After all, if we judge and are judged already by something as unimportant as our outward appearance, how much more shame we'll be subjected to if we reveal our hearts, our past, our struggles, all those vulnerable places we hide.

This is a huge concern and challenge for myself more than anything. Am I the kind of person that anyone could confess their most grievous struggles with sin too and be met with loving care, heartfelt prayer, and be confident they will not be judged by me? I would pray so, and will strive to be so, but I fear I've been far from that. I need to start being more aware of even my smallest judgements each day and learn to be a more loving person. After all, who am I to judge? Do I not know all the sin that is in my heart that I'm ashamed of? We're all sinners, we all struggle with sin, we all have things we're ashamed of. Why then can we not bear our souls to one another without fear of judgement? The struggles with sin may vary in form but the heart is the same. How quickly I can forget that Jesus had to die for my sins as much or more than for the sins of the person next to me.

2005-11-28T21:51:00.001-05:00

To be honest I don't even really know why I have a blog, I rarely use it and I don't really know what to use it for but a kind of public diary I suppose, which kind of defeats the purpose of a diary cause they're supposed to be private. But hey, who the heck will find and read my little blog anyway?

The past two weeks have been devastatingly hard on my heart. We found out my Nana has Huntington's Disease and we know my mom has it too because she displays the same symptoms. It's an awful disease and I despise it. The paranioa and emotional abuse directed toward the family is the most painful part of it, not so much the physical deterioration. Each of us four kids have a 50/50 chance of having the disease ourselves. We'll have to go get tested to find out. If you have it, you're strongly advised not to have children of your own because you can pass the gene on to your children and are advised to only adopt if you want kids. My heart's been broken by all of this news the last few weeks. To be married and have children of my own flesh and blood have been my heart's deepest longings and now I feel like all my dreams for my future may be wiped away in an instant with the results of this test.

It was so hard to see my Nana in that hospital bed looking so ancient and unable to walk, although only in her early 70's, and so angrily paranoid accusing that all of us who love her are actually trying to kill her and calling us murderers. How exactly is one supposed to handle that when your grandmother who used to always be so gentle and encouraging looks at you and calls you a murderer, blaming her coming death on you? I know it's part of the disease that causes that paranoia and you're supposed to detach yourself emotionally from that stuff but tell me how one can do that when it's your grandma or your mother so coldly accusing you? They're influences in my life that are supposed to be loving and nurturing but in my case they're far from that. How can I not grieve the accusations, the loss of the motherly and grandmotherly love and care? The hardest part of being with my Nana was the terrifying realization of just how identical my mom is to her and how much worse is ahead of us with her when her case worsens. They both mistrust and accuse their husbands, that's probably the most saddening similarity, but they're alike right down to their jerky movements and facial expressions. I never want to be that. I cannot bear to have this disease myself or watch even one of my siblings suffer with it. It is so devastating. You cannot help but question the Lord's purpose in allowing this in our lives, particularly if it is found that one of us kids has it as well. I feel I just could not bear to see any of us with Huntington's. If any one of us kids has to have it, it would be most bearable for me if it was me who had it. I just cannot bear to even imagine Christen, Jon, or Rach having it.

I hate how this has turned my life and heart upside down. I feel I've become a different person the last 2 weeks. I'm angry and restentful toward my mom for becoming this person and not being who we need her to be even though I know I shouldn't blame her because it's not her fault, it's a result of the disease. I'm depressed and would sleep endlessly if I could. I've been so concerned with how my brother and sisters would handle the news only to find I seem to be the only one that's falling apart at it. I seem to always be on the edge of tears or weeping when I'm alone in the dark, calling out to God for help, for mercy, for understanding. We've suspected it to be Huntington's for over a year now, so why now that it's final has it thrown me into such an emotional, angry mess? I long to cling to my Savior like through previous trials but while I'm sure it's foolish, this time I feel more deserted and betrayed than ever, as though this time the trial is too great for my heart to bear. My heart is broken and I feel distant from my Best Friend and alone on the human companionship level because not even my closest friends can understand what this has done to me, what it feels like. All I do know is that the Lord will prove Himself faithful for He cannot be anything but faithful and that I am just blinded in my human perspective at the moment to see the good working out in all of this.

Already some good is coming through this, it's deepening my bonds with my siblings. Spending the last week with Christen and Jesse was wonderful. Christen was a huge encourager and I also had alot of fun. I love them. Our family is going to be together for Christmas this year. We haven't all been together in one place in over a year! That is a huge answer to prayer. I love my family deeply. I despise this hateful disease that would ever try to change my heart and actions from anything but showing this deep love and appreciation I have for them!

I've come back to the following verse countless time in the past month. The Lord's used them to give me comfort and hope to cling to in all of this:

Isaiah 54:10-13
10 Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
11 "O afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted, I will build you with stones of turquoise, your foundations with sapphires.
12 I will make your battlements of rubies, your gates of sparkling jewels, and all your walls of precious stones.
13 All your sons will be taught by the LORD, and great will be your children's peace.