While studying for my Missiology exam last semester I came across this quote by my professor in one of my lecture notes about Christian leadership:

"While there are many important things to be learned about effective leadership, the most important thing comes only by spending significant time at the feet of Jesus, becoming mesmerized by His heartbeat and captured by His love. If the present crisis in leadership is to be solved, if adequate numbers of quality leaders are to step forward, many important efforts will have to be made. But it will be all for naught unless the battle of the heart is won first. Only a heart like that Jesus can bear the pain."

As a person still stumbling out of the rubble of burnout in ministry, I am deeply moved reading this. "The most important thing comes only by spending significant time at the feet of Jesus, becoming mesmerized by His heartbeat and captured by His love ... Only a heart like that of Jesus can bear the pain." As I reflect on my journey of burnout and the great challenges of ministry, I am deeply aware that the most fatal mistake I made was slowly ceasing to spend that time at the feet of Jesus for myself (not just in prayer or preparation to teach or minister to others). I needed to be reminded and refreshed by the reality of His personal love for me, but my hectic schedule just did not allow it. My time was packed so full that eventually my times with God consisted of a cry to Him for help and drifting off to the sleep my body desperately needed. The longer I went without that intimate time with my Savior, the more helpless and impatient I became in reaching out to others, and the more I avoided God because I feared He was as demanding and needy as I felt everyone else in my life was. Eventually I hit bottom and, thankfully, soon after my responsibilities came to an end and I have been ushered into a time of rest when I can come humbly before my loving Lord and allow Him to rebuild what was broken.

This journey of burnout initially made me want to swear off any form of ministry or people-helping for good. Suddenly a desk job staring at a computer screen all day sounded like the best job in the world! There are great joys in Gospel ministry and seeing lives change; but along with it comes the burden and pain of leadership that is very great. There is much sacrifice in it - one does not have to be long in ministry to find this.

My Missiology professor used the imagery of an old Japanese proverb when giving a lecture on leadership: "The nail that sticks up will be hammered down." To presume one can stand up and lead people is often looked upon as arrogance today. It is a much more popular concept to "lead from within". I myself used to hold to this image of leadership and never desired "title" or "position" and didn't necessarily appreciate anyone else holding such a status over me. I have come to see, however, that Scripture's consistent metaphor of God's people being like sheep in need of a shepherd challenges that concept of leadership. Passages like Num. 27:16-18, Matt. 9:35-37, Mark 6:33-35 show that when God's people are without leaders, they are like sheep without a shepherd, each going his own way and lost. Leadership is necessary, and done Scripturally, it is the farthest thing from arrogance - it involves following in Jesus' footsteps - it will mean laying down one's life for others.

I see in my generation an avoidance of humble, sacrificial leadership and responsibility - in many areas, but certainly in spiritual leadership. I definitely see among women in the North American church two extremes when it comes to leadership: either 1) a complete avoidance of taking our call to truly know Jesus and grow in His likeness and teach and exhort younger women to love the Lord and their families, or 2) a wrongful pursuit of the highest levels of leadership regardless of Scripture's instruction on orderly worship. This has left me with a deep ache in my heart. I long to see the women in our churches realizing that if they know Jesus Christ as Lord they have a beautiful calling to leadership - to continue to pursue Him, to dig deep into the Word, to neither be afraid of nor ignore theology as though it is the men's domain (nor think they are lesser if they have not studied theology - we have the Spirit of God within our hearts who instructs us in all truth), and to reach out to teach younger women (no matter what your age - there are always those younger)!

It is always easier to go the other way from leadership, especially if you have been burned by it, as I have been. I have been tempted to run the other way, but through much time off and reflection I have found engraved upon my heart a burden and burning within my heart that I cannot shake - to live out what God calls me to. How much humility I need God to grow in me to be able to step out as the stumbling Christian that I am and say that I will take responsibility in all areas of my life to seek by God's help to live a life worthy of following. How quickly that plants me on my knees asking for God to do it through me, for I know (and have already experienced) the danger of trying to do it in my own strength. It is only through the strength found in His arms that any of us will ever be able to live through the joys and deepest heartaches that are Gospel ministry.

Not that many will ever read this, but this is my humble call to my own heart and to my generation of Christians, whether you consider yourself the "leader-type" or not: May we live at the feet of Jesus, being captured and transformed by His heart for us, and out of that, stand up in this world full of sheep lost and going astray to love and lead them to the Shepherd.